When we get married or move in with someone for an extended period of time, even if we consider what our life can look like when it’s over, we don't comprehend what it actually feels like to be over. Before we decide to end the relationship, there is a period of internal reflection or “gut checking” we go through to ensure we are making the right decision. We wake up every morning and our internal monologue begins:
“Here we go again. I can’t wait to be out of here-out of this relationship. I feel trapped, suffocated. Maybe today will be the day that I get the courage to end this. Do you think it’s possible s/he is happy? There’s no way! I have been a pain to him/her for so long and we haven’t been intimate for even longer! How could anyone be happy in this? What if they find someone else quickly and I am left alone? What happens if I am just going through something personally now and when it’s over, I will regret my decision? What if I can’t afford to live on my own or maintain the standard of living I already have? How am I going to do this? Maybe I should wait until I have it all figured out…”
There are so many questions, concerns and fears that run through our heads when we are considering making a life changing decision. We are taken out of our comfort zone and forced to project about the impossible-to-answer “what ifs.” Our teachers in grammar school hated the “what if” game and now as adults it is the default game when we are facing the unknown.
This is the time we realize we have very little control over life even if at one point we thought we did. Who gets married or invests time into a relationship when we foresee its demise? Who plans for a long term relationship to end? Who can adequately prepare for what we have never experienced? No one.
Living day to day in an emotionally compromised state drastically affects the way we see the world, how we work, how we parent, and how we love. If we stay in that condition long enough it becomes a lifestyle and before we know it, we are the “Bitter Betty/Bob” that people leave the room to avoid. Soon after, we look around, reflect on life, and wonder how we got here and how we became “that person.”
We are left to our own devices and strengths to find a way to pull through and envision a new “future” for ourselves. After we finally decide to pull the plug or we get the plug pulled on us is when we finally begin to heal- but we have to make a decision one way or the other- do we want to live or would we rather wallow in self pity over our circumstances? The choice is yours, for once.
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