redefiningdivorce

"Why is my ex so unwilling to negotiate and compromise?"

2012-01-26T19:26:00.000-08:00

I think many, if not all couples, ask this question when they are going through a divorce. In an ideal world, the divorce prcoess would be smooth and amicable, but unfortunaely that is not the case. In this article from DivorceSupport.about.com, Cathy Meyer provides an answer to why our exes are not more willing to cooperate and negotiate.

"...if your ex feels guilt over leaving he/she will go out of their way to redeem themselves by relieving the pain the divorce has caused you.

On the other hand, "the stronger a person's feelings of shame, the more conflict-avoiding and/or forcing or intimidating behavior the person will show." The divorcing spouse who feels shame is more likely to engage in pro-longed divorce litigation and use threats and scare tactics to get what they want."

You can read the rest of Ms. Meyer's article here.

Don't miss out on the now...

2012-01-16T12:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when people invest in something or someone we rarely do so without strings attached. It is human nature to an extent. We want to know what we are putting our energy into. We want to know what’s in the pot at the end of the rainbow. What is the return on our investment?

Most of us believe and invest in the intended outcome without much consideration for change. We are told: “You are investing in our marriage that will last for life.” “You are investing in me because I will be with you forever, they won’t.” Even if the person making the statement has the truest intentions and the statement is made honestly at the time, the reality is that no one really knows what the result will be.

People change unpredictably and the person changing often doesn't know how the initial intent will look in the future. This means, if we choose to invest, we are choosing to make the best of what we have for however long we have it without a guaranteed result.

Some people call it “blind faith.” I call it “taking a chance.” If you truly invest in a chance and are cognizant of the immediate benefits you reap, then regardless of the result the chance taken was worth it. Maybe it doesn’t look the way you want it to but what does? The daily rewards we get from completely committing to something are worth more than the worst result.

When it’s over, we are owed nothing. We invest daily and reap rewards daily. Our entitlement surfaces when we fail to see the rewards of our investment now, instead of in the future.

Don’t miss out on the now because you are holding out for the future…It may never come.

Should I Stay?

2012-01-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

Not knowing if you should stay in a marriage or leave is difficult. There is always the fear of poisslby making the wrong mistake or having to start your life over again. In this article from the Contemplating Divorce Blog at PsychologyToday.com, Susan Pease Gadoua provides some ideas, thoughts and even a quiz on how to answer the question "should I stay or should I go?"

"Not knowing if you should stay or go can keep you stuck in the Marital Indecision Cycle for many years and this can be damaging to myriad parts of your life including, self-esteem, relationships with others and productivity.

But people can stay in limbo for years - sometimes decades - waiting for a clear indication and a 100% feeling that divorce is the right thing to do."

Read the rest of the article here.

Change: Friend or Foe?

2011-12-29T09:00:00.000-08:00

Below is an article I wrote for @HomeIn Magazine...

Change: Friend or Foe?

Relationships are hard because they involve change. Even when the relationship begins with a mutual vision, the vision does not always last. At any given moment and often
without warning, a person can choose a new goal, a new direction, or a new life. If the change happens when we are young and single, we can generally chalk it up to “transitioning out of youth.” As we get older and make more serious commitments, change affects much more than just us. Our changes become more difficult to rationalize for others. Unfortunately, we are not in a society that teaches us “how to adjust to change” and as a result, we face judgment from those who do not want the change or do not know how to react to it.

As we make changes in our lives, some of our most dearly loved friends and family may feel threatened by the process. While they consciously want you to be content and happy, they may have their own subconscious conflicting intentions and be highly invested in wanting to maintain their own comfort zone by keeping you in yours.

Another challenge is that after we realize we are changing, we aren’t always aware of why. We may not be able to explain ourselves to those who want to understand. If the change is for the benefit of the community, understanding it is less important. If the change is going to separate the community however, understanding seems crucial.

The fact is change is inevitable. It is necessary to grow and become more substantive, personally. It may seem like a never-ending nightmare for both people- the person changing and the person trying to adjust to the change. But the pain, fear and anxiety subside as we begin to walk on our new path. It is the fear of the unknown that intimidates us and makes us resist change.

So here is my humble opinion: Allow yourself and your people the space to change. Straddling the fence is what makes everyone miserable. It may be hard at first but when you decide to embrace it and move forward, you can breathe again.

Holiday Parenting Outline

2011-12-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

HOLIDAY PARENTING OUTLINE

DO’S

1. Put your children’s feelings before your own
2. Empathize with your children – your children may be very sad that both parents cannot be there to celebrate.
3. Each parent has the right to enjoy the time spent with their children, so be civil and happy that the child is spending time with each parent.
4. Plan ahead – share the schedule with your children. – Be specific in your plans
5. Dates – times – what will be happening
6. Come up with several versions
7. If one or the other parent is uncooperative, keep the children’s interest at the forefront – control your frustration.
8. Keep your word BUT be flexible – have several versions of the holiday plans – roll with the punches
9. Simplify family obligations for the children -- they may feel overwhelmed
10. Check in with the children about plans – but don’t give them too much responsibility and power in the decision making
11. Keep in touch – If the children are not with you on a holiday, call them – maybe schedule your celebration prior to the date. Children love parties and gifts anytime!
12. Don’t be afraid to start new traditions -- The Book of New Family Traditions (Running Press 20003) has some creative ways you can expand the holidays and celebrate in two or more homes
13. Coordinate gift giving – don’t compete – don’t discuss cost
14. Accommodate former spouses visitation more than usual
15. Reinforce to your children to have fun at the other parent’s home – children have a way of feeling “disloyal” if they show genuine happiness that they had fun with the other parent
16. Coordinate gifts and consider pitching in to buy a bigger gift. “This is from Mommy and Daddy” has a nice ring to it. Or buy gifts where several gifts will work together – computer and games.

DO NOT’S

• No adult meltdowns. Be in control of your emotions while you’re with the children
• No amateur private detective work on the other parent’s household. Don’t probe the kids for anything.
• When children do volunteer information about the other parent’s home, don’t over-react. Also don’t assume it’s true. If something sounds suspicious, respond with something like “Wow, that sounds _________. I’m going to talk to your Mom about that” and then do it. Let the children know that their parents talk about things.
• Also, don’t under-react. A new person in the life of the child (a new boyfriend or girlfriend) may create cause for a potentially controversial topic. Just explore with the child if it is brought up – let the child express his/her feelings.
• No surprises. Remember, the children come first – emotional differences must be put on hold.

Linda Price, Ph.D, Redefining Divorce.

Be careful when hiring a mediator...

2011-12-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

The family law dispute resolution pendulum is shifting in CA to mediation and most litigators/attorneys are as well, offering mediation services as an alternative to litigation.

But be careful. The mediation services offered by most litigators are a short term deal with a great expense. When you hire a litigator for mediation, you are asking a person with a lot of fighting experience to act neutral and attempt amicability. This is an unrealistic request. It is similar to thinking a stay at home parent of 15 years can go back into the workplace and land a salary of $100k plus or a 60+ hour per week working parent can walk into the house and be the super parent overnight. Transitions just don’t happen that quickly in life.

The mediation session(s) with litigators usually last about 8-16 hours. The couple sits down at a table and the attorney goes through the list of community property issues. The parties, who already lack communication skills, are expected to find enough patience/respect/ownership to agree on sensitive issues within this time span, namely custody, support and property division. The cost for these services usually ranges from $4,000-$6,000 to start. If the parties can’t agree within the dictated time period, the attorney will charge by the hour ($275-$500) until an agreement is reached. After the parties agree to everything, the attorney will then draw up the papers and the parties will sign. Yes, it is quick. No, it is not realistic. Here is why:

As mentioned above, people need time to transition both mentally and emotionally. There is time invested in a marriage and when the marriage breaks down, people are forced to redevelop their place in life. There are considerations to take into account, namely:
1. How can we afford the household on one income/no income/ (support)?
2. How do I know the amount of money I will actually need versus what I think I need?
3. What if there are alternatives regarding the asset split to improve my immediate financial condition?
4. How do I know if the kid(s) will benefit from this custody arrangement? …and so on…

If you sign the judgment too quickly, it’s very difficult to modify so as to fit your reality.

At Redefining Divorce, we set up temporary agreements that the parties try out before coming to a final agreement/judgment. If the first arrangement doesn’t work, we modify it to see what does work. Additionally, we have therapists assigned to each client to address the emotional aspects of a divorce or legal separation. The therapy sessions are intertwined with the mediation sessions so the clients get the appropriate help to move forward and make rational decisions about their future. Our process goes as fast or slow as is necessary for the clients to come to terms they both agree on. We have a flat fee that covers all the services offered and unless the parties have grossly misrepresented their level of contention, the quoted fee is all that is paid. As a whole, the services offered through Redefining Divorce and the flat fee seems to be the most effective way for the parties to end their relationship and start anew.

Shall we live in our past or grow in our future?

2011-12-15T09:25:00.000-08:00

We become conditioned to respond certain ways, have different opinions and believe new ideals when we are in a relationship. This isn’t necessarily bad if we understand why we are changing and accept the change. However, if we change our opinions and views without knowing it and our relationship ends, it’s hard to distinguish between why we believe what we do now and what we believed before the relationship started.

If you journaled in the past you can go back and read your thoughts from an earlier time to help you revive the old you, if that’s your thing. If you have no record of what you used to believe, then it’s up to you and time to rediscover them- and there is probably a reason you didn’t keep a record. Sometimes just walking down the street and seeing something of familiarity may spark a past joy and give you the fuel to hold onto that moment long term-eventually recreating the old self.

There’s only one problem…arguably. The old you is what led you to the new you…good or bad. So, going backwards to rediscover yourself may not be in your best interest. It may lead you to make the same mistakes or learn the same lessons that you could have learned the first time around. “They” say: “If you learn from it the first time it’s a lesson but if you repeat it, it’s a mistake.” Personally, I only agree with this if the first experience was negative. If the outcome was positive and is repeated I don’t believe there is any harm done. I also take issue with “they” since I have no idea who they are or where they came up with so many opinions about everything!

I do not believe however that going backwards is ever a good idea. People tend to relish the past even if it was bad because at the time, it was our present, and usually our present is scarier than our past. A lot of people live in the past because it is predictable. We can replay situations in our head and know the outcome because we lived it. We know when we compare our past to our present that we didn’t “die” as a result of our circumstances in our past and that is good news (for most). There is much solitude in that knowledge. It pushes a hard bargain for moving forward though.

We can’t predict our future. We can’t even predict our present. All we can do is make the best of what we have at any given time. If we suit up, show up and participate the rest is up to whoever makes the decisions for us. If we relish in our past we can’t move forward and will be stuck wearing the same suit at the same event for the rest of our lives. “They” would say: “…then what’s the point of living?” and for once, I agree with them.

Sense of Security While Divorcing

2011-12-14T07:35:00.000-08:00

While security doesn't naturally occur, it is something we create in order to take risks and create lives for ourselves. It is a system of patterns and familiarity that we turn to to keep ourselves grounded.

Many situations can come along and throw off our sense of security and divorce is one of them. In this article from the Contemplating Divorce Blog at PsychologyToday.com, Susan Pease Gadoua addresses the illusion of having a sense of security and how realizing that illusion can help you through a divorce.

"Thinking we have security isn't a design flaw in our species. In fact, it's quite the opposite. If none of us felt safe and secure, we wouldn't be able to take risks or venture into unknown territory. Having a sense of security helps us to grow and change.

When life throws us a curve ball, it is our sense of security that is broken, not our actual security (since that doesn't exist)."

Read the rest of the article here.

Dear Family and Friends, You Aren't Helping...

2011-12-07T09:30:00.000-08:00

When we split from our partners our family and friends typically have opinions. They sound like this: “I knew he wasn’t good for you the moment I met him…meh meh meh.” Or, “I do love her just not for you sweetheart.” You want to respond with: “Seriously people? You think NOW is the best time to be telling me this information? How about BEFORE I got myself into this mess, not after! If you are going to have an opinion, make it count!” Jebus! But no, we only learn after what people think. Truth be told though, their opinions in advance probably wouldn’t have been well received.

After your people are done making their pointless observations about your life, they readily move into the “oh no, what are we going to do since they split up phase.” Oh joy, this phase is fun. Seriously though, as if you aren’t having a hard enough time managing and dealing with your own reality, your people decide to make it about them. There are friends who have no opinions nor do they mention the split until you bring it up, but the friends who make it difficult, do so like this:

a. Take sides (unintentionally most times);
b. Rarely invite you to do stuff because God forbid they don’t know how to be friends with the single you. Note: Some people never stop droning on about their ex and that is utterly miserable for the friends so don’t be that guy.
c. Snicker behind your back to their other friends so the next time you see those people, it’s not completely uncomfortable in the least;
d. Pamper or cater to you relentlessly making it difficult to breath;
e. Call you 24/7 to make sure you haven’t jumped off your balcony yet;
f. Act funny/abnormal when they see you because they are ridiculous and do not know how to act post-split.

This is when you get the wonderful task of reassuring THEM that you are okay and they will be too. How did that happen? After a couple of months, the change will be the new normal and the old relationships begin to flourish again. You just have to hang in until that time comes and when it does you will have the opportunity to decide if you want still want the friendship.

Whatever you choose however, know that you will be just fine...and so will they.

Losing your dream of forever-ness

2011-12-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

When we get married or move in with someone for an extended period of time, even if we consider what our life can look like when it’s over, we don't comprehend what it actually feels like to be over. Before we decide to end the relationship, there is a period of internal reflection or “gut checking” we go through to ensure we are making the right decision. We wake up every morning and our internal monologue begins:

“Here we go again. I can’t wait to be out of here-out of this relationship. I feel trapped, suffocated. Maybe today will be the day that I get the courage to end this. Do you think it’s possible s/he is happy? There’s no way! I have been a pain to him/her for so long and we haven’t been intimate for even longer! How could anyone be happy in this? What if they find someone else quickly and I am left alone? What happens if I am just going through something personally now and when it’s over, I will regret my decision? What if I can’t afford to live on my own or maintain the standard of living I already have? How am I going to do this? Maybe I should wait until I have it all figured out…”

There are so many questions, concerns and fears that run through our heads when we are considering making a life changing decision. We are taken out of our comfort zone and forced to project about the impossible-to-answer “what ifs.” Our teachers in grammar school hated the “what if” game and now as adults it is the default game when we are facing the unknown.

This is the time we realize we have very little control over life even if at one point we thought we did. Who gets married or invests time into a relationship when we foresee its demise? Who plans for a long term relationship to end? Who can adequately prepare for what we have never experienced? No one.

Living day to day in an emotionally compromised state drastically affects the way we see the world, how we work, how we parent, and how we love. If we stay in that condition long enough it becomes a lifestyle and before we know it, we are the “Bitter Betty/Bob” that people leave the room to avoid. Soon after, we look around, reflect on life, and wonder how we got here and how we became “that person.”

We are left to our own devices and strengths to find a way to pull through and envision a new “future” for ourselves. After we finally decide to pull the plug or we get the plug pulled on us is when we finally begin to heal- but we have to make a decision one way or the other- do we want to live or would we rather wallow in self pity over our circumstances? The choice is yours, for once.

Value of Marital Property

2011-11-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

During the process of a divorce, it is part of the court's job to determine the value of the marital property between both parties. Experts can be used, but that can be expensive. More often than not, both parties will testify to the value of their property.

This article from www.DoOver.com addresses other methods courts may use to to determine the value of marital property.

"One of the primary methods of proving the value of marital property is via financial statements and other documents that must be filed with the court. In fact, without these records, the courts will often reject a petitioner’s testimonial valuation. For instance, in one case the husband gave his two boats a certain value on the financial affidavit, but he later claimed at trial that he had sold the items for much less. The court rejected his later claim, as there was no documentary evidence (the transactions had been in cash) (“Reis v. Reis,” 739 So. 2d 704, Fla. Dist. Ct. App. 1999). In fact, some states hold that a party who listed a given classification on a mandatory financial statement is barred from later taking a contradictory position. An exception to this might be in the case of discovery responses, which are generally not considered absolutely binding for the responding party."

Read the rest of the article here.

Staying together for the benefit of the kids- it depends...

2011-11-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

There is a common misconception about what “the best interest of the child” means. For most, an in-tact nuclear family looks appealing either because the parents do not want the embarrassment of a “failed marriage” or they actually believe their relationship (or lack thereof) is still more beneficial to the children than no relationship.

An intact family is certainly ideal for children EXCEPT when the marital relationship is highly contentious and destructive. These types of relationships include: arguing often, being on two different sides when it comes to co-parenting (i.e. throwing the other parent under the bus in front of the kids), verbal abuse, physical abuse, and psychological abuse.

If the parents transformed over time into roommates instead of lovers that is not necessarily detrimental to the children as long as there is no fighting or abuse taking place. The children won’t learn all the intricacies of a functional relationship from either parent but they also won’t be severely damaged and constrained to a lifetime of therapy in their adult years.

To the contrary, if the parents become hostile to each other and the children are in the house (the hostility doesn’t have to occur in front of them…they can feel it when the parent is upset or angry) then we have a problem. This situation is no longer in the best interest of the child. The relationship is also not in the best interest of the partners. Given enough time in this dysfunctional environment, your children will not only grow to hate you both but will grow to hate themselves.

Relationships change over time. People grow, change, or stay stagnant in some cases. Those are the realities of human nature. When two married people face these realities, it is difficult to adjust to them or know how to handle them. Regardless, the only thing that matters is how to protect the kids throughout the change. How to ensure they are safe, secure and growing. Overindulging them in a parent’s issues or marital problems only stalls their development and in extreme cases will rob them of their childhood. This is not why good parents have children. Do not lose yourself when the marital waters get hot and forget why you had kids.

Protect your children from your adult life. After all, when we have kids, it’s no longer about us.

No-Fault Divorce

2011-11-22T09:15:00.000-08:00

If you weren't already aware, there is such a thing as "no-fault divorce," which is what it sounds like: divorce where no party is at fault.

This article from wwww.DoOver.com explains what a no-fault divorce is and how it came about.

"The initial reasoning behind the change to no-fault divorce was to attempt to lessen the antagonism and pain of divorce. No longer would detectives need to be hired to prove adultery; no longer would a couple’s “dirty laundry” need to be aired in public; no longer would a battle be waged regarding who was at fault in the marriage. A marriage could be terminated simply because the spouses no longer felt that the marriage could survive."

Read the complete article here.

Try mediation first...it's cheaper

2011-11-17T14:39:00.000-08:00

There seems to be this idea of “protection” that people buy into when it comes to hiring an attorney. People want someone to “stand up for their rights” and “defend them.” I wonder if this idea came from common law times when attorneys were the catalyst between the law and people. It seems to me that unless people have a very convoluted situation (as most believe they do), the law is the law is the law. In family law, there are only so many ways you can tweak a fact pattern to fit under different laws and change the outcome. It is only in cases of severe commingling of large amounts of money that the representation of an attorney is arguably ideal to solve the problem.

In normal cases however, attorneys aren’t necessary. Try this fact pattern: Two kids, one house, one or two retirements (Roth IRA , 401K), some money in a bank account (commingled or not) and maybe an investment. There are laws for each of these issues. Mediators, attorneys and the court have to apply the same laws according to California even if they alternate between different laws governing the same issue. The court has little discretion to deviate from the primary law for fear of having his/her decision set aside (overturned).

The question that remains then is: “how much time and money do I want to invest in the resolution of my case understanding that the legal outcome will vary minimally with either a mediator or attorney?”

Mediation is a financially sound choice to start with. You can always go from mediation to litigation but it is much more difficult to go from litigation to mediation. The reason the latter is more difficult is because often the parties do not start off with as much anger and they end with. By the time people realize the case is going nowhere with the bickering attorneys, a person has already spent unconscionable amounts of money, incurred attorney fee debt, and is too angry to mediate- or so they think.

If you start with mediation and try to resolve the issues amicably (or at least without constant anger and hatred) you will not spend as much money, you will probably learn that you do agree on some things with your spouse and the process is much shorter from start to finish. You don’t have to be in the same room with each other, although if you have children you will have to learn how to communicate eventually … the mediator can communicate between the parties and the parties won’t lose their wallets in the process.

98% of all cases that are litigated end in settlement…but only after a lot of money, emotions and heart has been spent. Why not start with settlement and work backwards if necessary?

Dear Holidays: Please Go Away!

2011-11-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

Below is an article I wrote for @HomeIN Magazine...

Dear Holidays: Please Go Away!

Divorce is hard enough at any time, but facing the end of a marriage during the holidays is torture! The holidays are likely to elicit all sorts of feelings so a bit of planning will help you and your children cope with your changing family structure.

First, create new traditions with your family. Remember what your parents did with you on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years. If one of these days is more important to you than the other, propose a schedule to your spouse so you can have your special day and your spouse can have a special day. The children will appreciate having time with both parents. If you can’t seem to agree on a schedule, consider going to a mediator to work out a suitable arrangement.

Second, surround yourself with people who are supportive of your circumstances. This does not include “downers.” These are people who speak negatively about your spouse and arouse your anger, pain and fear. Supportive people will generally give you the space to process what is going on without having opinions or try to rush you to “get over it” or “relax.”

Third, if you can afford to, try going out of town for the day/weekend. There are plenty of inexpensive places you can spend the day that will allow you to remove yourself from the origin of pain for a brief moment.

If you have children and are going into the holidays, please remember this: Children learn culture, character and esteem from you. They take cues about what is acceptable from your actions not necessarily your words. The way you and your spouse handle one another during this difficult period will determine how your children remember the season. Keep in mind, even if you don’t look or live like you once did, shared love for your children is what makes you a family and is what keeps you a family. Don’t allow the stress of the holidays to compromise your strength and power as a person, parent, and family.

Being A Working Mom Is Better Than Trying To Be A SuperMom

2011-11-14T09:33:00.000-08:00

"Working moms have lower rates of depression than their stay-at-home counterparts." So says a study by the American Sociological Association. However, "working mothers who expressed a supermom attitude that work and home lives can be blended with relative ease showed higher levels of depression symptoms than working moms who expected that they would have to forego some aspects of their career or parenting to achieve a work-life balance" In other words, you can do it jus't don't expect to do it all. Give yourself a break, and don't expect to be perfect.

As young adults, the women who participated in the study answered questions about work-life balance. They were asked to rank how much they agreed with statements such as “A woman who fulfills her family responsibilities doesn’t have time for a job outside the home,” “Working wives lead to more juvenile delinquency” and “A woman is happiest if she can stay at home with her children.”

Then, when the women were 40, the same women had their levels of depression measured.

The Study determined that the stay-at-home moms had more depression symptoms than the working moms in the study. “Employment is ultimately beneficial for women’s health, even when differences in marital satisfaction and working full or part time are ruled out.

This is useful information for women going through divorce. Frequently these women are faced with having to make a decision between the stay-at-home vocation they followed during the marriage, versus the need to return to work. Apparently from the first person, mom centered perspective, returning to work would not appear to be a bad thing. The next step is to find some research to see how the idea of mom returning to work affects the children?

Past, Present, and Future

2011-11-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

I believe we all have three parts to our life: Our past, our present, and our future. Our past gives us a foundation to build on, our present forces us to stand on that foundation and find the cracks, and our future is dictated by our present behaviors and the ability to fill the appropriate cracks.

If we fail to evaluate our past, stand on a broken foundation and bring a new person into our present, we build a difficult future because we compound our struggle. When we add children into the relationship we are forced to review our past or else our children will relive it for us.

The goal becomes helping our children avoid falling into the cracks of our foundation. We must do the dirty work for them. Now is the time to learn the lessons we should have learned earlier, find the tools that work to mend our foundation and pass our toolbox onto our kids to help them with their struggles. Sometimes the goal of self growth is to help us make better decisions and avoid making the same mistake twice. If people find self growth unnecessary, then I encourage you to look at the struggles you are facing with your kids or loved ones. They are showing you through their behaviors, reactions, and words what you need to address. If you won’t do it for yourself, at least do it for them.

If we fix our past in our present, do our best to keep the good and leave/correct the bad, fill the cracks in our foundation and make calculated decisions intended to improve our future, we can pull this whole life thing off.

The Mediation Process with Redefining Divorce

2011-11-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a safe forum for both parties to express their concerns, fears, and requests without judgment or ridicule. The mediator is a neutral third party. This means no matter what is said in mediation, the mediator is expected to maintain a neutral state of mind and neutral point of view when handling the delicate issues in a family law matter. Also, because California is a “no fault” state, the reasons a couple is divorcing or the complaint that the other party did a lot of terrible things during the marriage is irrelevant.

Reasons to Consider Mediation

The top reason to consider mediation if you have children is to maintain the respect and relationship of and with your children. No matter the age, divorce is difficult for children when they watch their parents verbally abuse each other. Children are often times forced to take sides whether the parents intend this result or not. The fact parents often miss in this dynamic is the children will eventually resent you both for your “immaturity” and inability to handle adversity. The parent’s inability to communicate will affect the children in their relationships and a cycle will develop.

The top reason to consider mediation if you do not have children or your children are grown is enforcement of the terms in the judgment. Most times, attorneys are able to obtain hefty orders in the judgment for their client. For example, a large spousal support order. However, just because the court charges one party with the responsibility of this large order doesn’t mean the payor spouse will obey the order. So recourse for the receiving spouse becomes a huge issue that is extremely costly. If you have any money left after the divorce, you will spend it taking your spouse back to court to try to enforce the terms of the judgment. This usually means hiring more attorneys. So, the court says, “do this, it’s ordered, or else” and then the payor spouse still doesn’t comply, the cycle continues forever. As a result, your money, energy and healthy attitude are lost.

To the contrary, in mediation, both parties come to the “terms of the judgment” on their own, in a joint fashion with the mediator’s help. This is very important for many reasons. First, human nature dictates that no one wants to feel “forced” to do anything and no one likes to “lose control.” If attorneys are obtaining huge orders against the other person’s will, the person who feels violated and helpless is less likely to follow through. Moreover, the person who is feeling violated becomes vindictive. This emotion, if acted on, becomes extremely detrimental to all parties. Examples include harassing phone calls, stalking at home, work and anywhere else the person can reach you, in addition to not fulfilling the terms of the judgment. If both people agree to the terms of the judgment, there is a much higher probability of follow through which in turn saves both parties time, money, and health.

Second, mediation costs a 1/3 of what litigation costs. 90-95% of litigated cases end in a settlement, which is what mediation is. This means, after people spend significant amounts of money, they end in the same place as they would have had they considered mediation first, except they would have saved unconscionable amounts of money. The same outcome is possible if you go to court or do mediation: Lack of follow through with the terms of the judgment. However, if one party decides not to follow the terms of the judgment, at least you have money left to take them to court to try to enforce the order. Another alternative is building a good relationship with the mediator so that if follow through is lacking the mediator may be able to assist with the problem instead of the parties going to court.

Third, mediation helps restore integrity in the parties. The couple is generally at their wits end with each other. They “hate” the other party and act like children. However, if you watch the incredible revelation of people in compromising situations becoming amicable, it is truly amazing. Both parties, even if they want to continue on with the divorce, see a new side of their spouse. They develop a new appreciation for their spouse that also improves the chances of enforcing the terms of the judgment.

How long does mediation take before a Judgment is entered and a couple is officially divorced?
At Redefining Divorce, it takes us on average three weeks to two months to take the couple through the entire divorce process and submit the judgment packet to the court for entry. This assumes the parties cooperate in getting us the requested documents. If there is a lack of cooperation, it may prolong the process. However, California has a mandatory six month waiting period after the Petition and Summons are filed (the initial documents). This means that after the Judgment packet is submitted to court, the court will review the packet, if approved, will record a date that satisfies the six month waiting period. For example, if the Petition is filed on December 1, 2009 and the judgment packet is submitted to court on January 30, 2009, the earliest divorce date the court will issue will be June 1, 2010.

For any other questions or concerns regarding mediation, contact Zina B. Gleason, J.D., founder and owner of Redefining Divorce. www.redefiningdivorce.com. 714.256.4689. zina@redefiningdivorce.com.

Hatred and Divorce

2011-11-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

Divorce can cause a gambit of emotions: sadness, fear, happiness, anger. All of these emotions are normal and expected during a divorce; especially anger. This article listed on the Contemplating Divorce blog at PsychologyToday.com, by Susan Pease Gadoua, talks about the role anger and hatred play in a divorce and how normal that role is.

"Having this intense level of emotion present throughout a divorce is not abnormal. It's actually indicative of how attached you were to your spouse. Although we sometimes use anger to push others away, in another sense we stay intensely connected to whomever we are furious with. They live rent-free in our minds, where we imagine what we'd like to say or do to them. Or we use up a lot of our energy just thinking about them."

Read the rest of the article here.

How is Your Child Handling Your Divorce?

2011-10-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned many times how important it is to put your child first during a divorce and make sure they are taken care of. It is important for your child to not feel placed in the middle or not feel at fault for the divorce. In this article, Cathy Meyer from DivorceSupport.About.com outlines ways to help your child handle your divorce.

"1. Keep the child’s schedule the same as much as possible. There is a sense of order when the child gets up at the same time, plays with friends in the afternoon, and goes to bed at the same time. Whatever your child’s day usually entails, try to do the same things at the same times.

2. Make sure the child has access to all of their familiar things, at both houses. He or she can decide what they want to leave at each home so that the child has well-loved items around. This will make the transition more comfortable."

Read the rest of the article here.

Divorce Myths

2011-10-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

When people hear the word divorce a lot of stereotypes and assumptions come to mind. The article below from www.DivorceSource.com, by Orli Peter, Ph.D., outlines seven common myths related to divorce.

"There are many stereotypes about divorce that receive a lot of attention in the media but can be quite harmful to both women and men. Here are some of them, contrasted with what recent sociological and psychological studies tell us:

Myth 1: Most men cheat on their wives.

Actually, the best designed study to date indicates that nearly 80% of men report that they have never cheated on their wives.

Myth 2: Most divorcing women are jilted by their husbands."

Read the complete list of myths here.

Financial Tips for Divorce

2011-10-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest concerns when it comes to divorce is the cost. It is a large financial commitment and most might not realize the extent of that cost. The following article from www.CaliforniaDivorce.info provides an excerpt from from a book with 25 financial tips to think of when you are going through a divorce.

"Before the Divorce

1. Cancel all joint credit cards, including charge, department store, and gasoline card accounts. Even if a court rules that you aren’t responsible for charges made by your spouse after you separate, the credit card company can hold you responsible while you and your ex sort it out.

2. Before you separate, use joint funds to repair your automobile and home, buy clothes for yourself and your children, and other family expenses. Begin your divorce with these expenses already paid, rather than arguing with your spouse about who should pay them later."

Read the rest of the article here.

Post-Nuptial Agreement

2011-10-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

Many couples may be unfamiliar with a "post-nuptial agreement," which is like a pre-nuptial agreement, only they are married when it is created. In the following article from the Contemplating Divorce Blog at www.PsychologyToday.com, Ms. Susan Pease Gadoua talks about a couple and a spouse's choice to file a post-nuptial agreement.

"Aside from money, a post nup can be used to resolve disputes regarding parenting, child custody, and affairs. For example, spouses might agree to share in the profits of a particular investment but if one or the other has an affair, they forfeit their interest in that asset."

Read the rest of the article here.

Conflict Resolution

2011-09-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Below are some tips from www.CaliforniaDivorce.info about how to deal with conflict resolution with your spouse. Knowing how to deal with conflict can make your mediation or divorce process a little easier. It all comes down to effective communication.

"Talking- Describe your wishes, needs and feelings from your perspective without reflecting on the other person, without overt or implied criticism of him or her, and without expectations that the other person is obligated to respond or act in any particular way. Do not speak for the other person, only for yourself. Make "I" statements."

Read the remaining tips regarding conflict resolution here.

Fate of the Nuclear Family

2011-09-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

The last decade has shown a large decline in the number of nuclear families; largely due to single family homes, divorce and children out of wedlock. The following article from www.DoOver.com addresses this decline in the nuclear family, the cause of the decline and what can be done to save the nuclear family.

"In pre-Columbian Aztec society, the nuclear family was considered the lowest level of organization. The Aztec culture found it more productive to live in cooperative (extended family) households. Interestingly, 2010 Census statistics indicate a similar trend within North American households. According to AdAgeStat, over the past decade the number of nuclear families (those consisting of a married couple with children) in North America has declined by close to 1.2 million. We are literally leaving the Beavers behind; the iconic nuclear family of days past is just that—the past."

Read the rest of the article here.

Mediation

2011-09-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons to consider mediation during a divorce: to maintain the respect and relationship of and with your children, mediation costs 1/3 of what litigation costs and mediation helps restore integrity in the parties. The following article from www.divorcesource.com suggests some rules to keep in mind during mediation.

Six Rules to Success in Divorce Mediation
"Divorce mediation requires preparation in order to have a good result. To assist the mediator, you should provide whatever documentation he or she asks for in a timely and organized manner. The mediation process requires it and we find it extremely helpful if these items are organized for ease of review."

Read the rest of the article here.

Redefining Divorce Story

2011-09-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Below is one of my articles from @HomeIN Magazine...

Hello Emotional Turmoil, why Are You Still Here?

I wish they taught a class in school called “How to manage emotions.” Managing “life” is hard enough without the added emotional catastrophe that results from a divorce or a separation. Add kids into the equation and there are multiple people struggling with no direction, or guidance on how to manage their state of heart, and state of mind. Soon, life becomes unbearable and we as a society suffer from depression, anxiety, guilt, shame and sadness because our people are suffering.

As a result of this reality, Redefining Divorce was born. At Redefining Divorce we focus on addressing the emotional needs of individuals in the divorce process. Research has shown that people who address their emotional needs immediately have a higher success rate in future relationships, no matter who it is with. In my experience, I have seen people spare their children a lot of unnecessary heartache by dealing with their issues with trained professionals instead of at home around their kids.

At Redefining Divorce, we provide our clients with on-site counseling. In addition to handling the legal aspects of the divorce we handle the emotional aspects, which I believe, are much more difficult. Our clients have the opportunity, while in our care, to address their emotional needs. Our therapists teach our clients coping skills, emotional management, and self efficacy. This is not only beneficial for the clients but also for the children involved.

I have seen the impact on a child when a parent fails to address his/her emotional needs immediately. The child’s future is greatly affected, and sometimes the parents’ cycle is repeated by the child in his/her adult life. Our goal at Redefining Divorce is to stop the cycle and help people recover with minimal damage to self, friends, family, and society.

Truth be told, facing our demons and working through them is extremely difficult, but necessary. After all, the demons don’t go away until we become strong enough to make our minds and hearts uninhabitable for them.

Thinning the Heard

2011-08-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

Below is a publisher's note from a magazine I frequently write for, @HomeIN Magazine.

Thinning the Heard,
(or should I say read?)

More than once within the last couple years, someone said to me, “There sure are a lot more publications like @HomeIN Magazine. Seems like I get one almost daily.”

After agreeing, I’d counter by saying, “Those other publications are not really like us. @HomeIN Magazine is built on local content, including local stories, events, and merchant reviews. @HomeIN is more about community... That makes us different.”

By then, their point was made and my answer normally found enough acceptance to move on.

As time passes, we continue to provide a sense of community. Zina Gleason, who writes a column on Amicable Divorce for @HomeIN, emailed to share a testimonial she recently received.

Fwd’d From:
Zina B. Gleason, J.D.
To: Norma Rodriguez
Subject: Fwd: Article in the
@HomeIN Magazine

"Hi my name is Chris and I just wanted to send you a quick thank you! The small article you wrote “We’re human... We make mistakes” was awesome straight to the point! I came from a very broken home and a very dysfunctional childhood but I hold no anger or blame to the adults that were in my life due to the exact thinking you spoke of! Thank you for using your platform to spread a very, VERY good and important message :)"

Zina has received numerous thank you’s and, of course, has added clients by writing engaging and informative articles that our readers appreciate. She once did a press release that got good coverage from around the globe. But Zina reaches her neighbors with news directed at them via @HomeIN Magazine.

This is what I meant by “We’re different”

We work to extol what’s great that may be overlooked on the local dining front. Murali Kamath, Owner of Supatra’s Thai Bistro emailed us about his cover page.

“I like it!...That’s why you guys are so good at what you do… What is estimated release date so we can get ready for the onslaught?”

After fours years of advertising, Murali knows what happens when you tell all the locals.

Recently, the mailing of (somewhat) similar publications has thinned. Perhaps that local content is what people want after all.

When it’s time for the local scene, it’s @HomeIN Magazine.

Thanks again for reading (and reacting).

The Pain of Divorce

2011-08-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

It goes without saying that divorce can be a painful process. While you may notice some form of relief, the pain and hurt will undoubtedly outweigh that, regardless of the circumstances. The following article from www.divorcesupport.about.com focuses on how to cope and heal from the pain of a divorce.

How To Heal the Pain of Divorce
"Some people get stuck in the pain of divorce, and may experience depression, whether mild or severe. In that case, it is imperative to seek professional help, through your family doctor or a licensed therapist. Don’t try to carry your burden alone."

Read the rest of the article here.

Children & Divorce

2011-08-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

As mentioned before, divorce is very hard on children. During this time when parents should be putting their children first, they are, instead, putting themselves first. This article from www.DoOver.com describes the different ways parents can alienate their children during a divorce or separation.

Parental Alienation and the Adverse Effects on Children
"Another common method of parental alienation that is used is talking about the parent that is no longer living in the family home in a negative way. This then serves to create a bad image of that parent in the child's mind and in severe cases they may even start to fear them. This will then naturally cause the child to have an aversion to the parent and make their own decision to not see them."

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Divorce Rollercoaster

2011-08-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

When going through a divorce, it is common to run a gamut of emotions. Often times, it can take years for your emotions to get back to normal. This article from CaliforniaDivorce.info addresses the emotions you may experience through a divorce and their general timeline for sticking around.

Stepping off the Rollercoaster
The first year is characterized by numbness, denial, relief, acute periods of pain, and back to numbness again. This is the divorce roller coaster, which includes periods of euphoria ("how nice to be rid of that louse!") followed by deep lows ("oh my God: she's really gone!"). During the first year, you may sometimes feel like a robot going through the motions of living without really participating in your own life, or like an unwilling passenger on a wild roller coaster ride.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Today’s Divorce Challenges

2011-08-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

The challenges of getting a divorce today are more difficult than the challenges of divorce many years ago. This article from the Contemplating Divorce Blog on PsychologyToday.com addresses the differences between divorce today and that of divorce 40 years ago.

Why Divorced Families Face More Challenges Today Than They Did 40 Years Ago
Whereas in the early 1960s, the demographic make-up of the suburbs was married couples of approximately the same age, race and social class, today a suburb may include married and unmarried couples, blended races, classes, generations, sexual orientations and cultures and there is a much wider range of socio-economic status within neighborhoods.
Now, add the component of the rise in divorce and remarriage rates in the past thirty to forty years, and Coontz points out that we see an even great array of family configurations.

Click here to read the full article.

Gray or Mature Divorce Considerations

2011-07-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

Gray or Mature Divorce Considerations
By: Joseph F. Dillon, MBA

(article courtesy of www.divorcesource.com)

Divorce does not discriminate as it is blind to age, race, economic background, education, number of years married, children, property ownership and so on. Couples who have been married a short time or do not have children have far different issues to contend with than couples who have been married a long time, have adult children and have accumulated significant assets over a lifetime of marriage. For these mature couples, divorce mediation takes on a whole new meaning. Here are 5 issues for mature couples to consider when engaging in divorce mediation:

1. Investments - perhaps one of you worked for a long period of time and has accumulated significant 401(k) holdings while the other has not. Or you've purchase stock for your portfolio along the way and used it as a means to save. In either case using outside experts such as accountants or financial advisors can come in handy as the equitable distribution of these assets will be critical to your future sustainability.

2. Health Insurance - if you're in your late 50's, early 60's and don't quite yet qualify for Medicare, you need to consider that health insurance coverage may be quite expensive and need to factor it into your monthly budget when considering spousal support (when applicable).

3. Adult Children - your kids are your kids, no matter what age so don't think just because they're in their 20's, 30's or 40's they don't want to know what's going on and explained to. This is going to come as quite a shock to them so it's important you explain the reasons for your divorce and understand their reaction should it not be so favorable.

4. Wills & Trusts - chances are (and I hope you do) you have a will or a trust set up to deal with your estate. Make sure you adjust this when the time comes as you may find yourself offering your ex-spouse an unintended windfall should you not make a beneficiary change. This is especially important if you remarry.

5. Your Lifestyle - chance are if you fall into the category of a gray or mature divorce, you won't have a lot of working years to catch up and get your lifestyle back to where it once was. You'll need to deal with the reality that you may be living in an apartment when before you had a 4 bedroom house which unto itself is a major adjustment. Be realistic with what you can afford to buy, what you can spend and what impact a divorce will have on your lifestyle.

Divorcing In Today’s Economy

2011-07-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

Divorcing In Today’s Economy
By: Suzy Brown

(article courtesy of divorcesupport.about.com)

Some experts say if your marriage is shaky, a downturn in the economy will make it more likely that you will divorce. Others say that a bad economy can be good for your marriage.

"This economy is definitely creating challenges that one doesn’t see in a more stable financial situation," says Suzy Brown, midlife divorce recovery expert and author of Radical Recovery: Transforming the Despair of Your Divorce Into An Unexpected Good says.

Surveys of attendees at one of her recent Midlife Divorce Recovery Boot Camps revealed that a 52-year-old woman was living in her car. Another was temporarily in the Super Six Motel. Another attendee and her ex-husband were still living in the same house because they have not been able to sell their house, and they could not afford two mortgages.

Researchers have tried to figure out the correlation between the economy and divorce, and they often come up with differing conclusions. Whether a downturn in the economy increases or decreases the likelihood of individuals divorcing depends on many factors.

Money issues in individual families have always been high on the list of causes of divorce. However, when the financial stability of the whole world plummets, and everyone is feeling the pinch of tough economic times, couples either:

1.Decide to try to weather the troubles in their marriage and make extra efforts to stay together, or

2.Realize that their personal situation is getting worse along with the deepening financial crisis and head straight for the divorce attorney’s office.

To read more about divorcing in today's economy, click here.

We’re human…We make mistakes

2011-07-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

Below is one of my articles from @HomeIN Magazine...

“I always wanted a happy ending... Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems
don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. Gilda Radner
(1946 - 1989)”

In life we try to do our best with what we have at any given time. Only through
reflection do we believe we could have done it differently. When we compare our lives to those around us we seem to think we could have changed the outcome. The fact of the matter is that we did it exactly how we were supposed to and the results
were the lessons we needed to learn in order to grow. With these lessons we teach
our youth, our self, and people in our world. Inside these lessons we hopefully find
empathy and compassion for the fact that we are human. We learn that no matter how hard we try to make a certain result occur sometimes it’s out of our hands. How
we handle that “failure” is what dictates whether we will be happy, healthy, angry, or prideful. We hopefully understand that the actions of others are not personal but
someone else’s struggles and even if it hurts, we can try to be less judgmental.

Being human gives us the ability to choose how to handle our circumstances. We can forgive, appreciate, let go and move forward or we can spin in hatred, fear and frustration. If you have children, the latter will inevitably destroy them. If you
don’t, the latter will inevitably destroy you.

People make mistakes and they are harmful, hurtful and unfair. However, it is your choice to determine how your future will go notwithstanding the actions of others. Try to appreciate the lessons and grow…Often times, also in our reflection, we realize these difficult experiences were blessings in disguise. If we live with integrity, empathy and compassion we have done our best in every moment.

The Emotional Divorce

2011-07-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Below is one of my articles from @HomeIN Magazine...

The emotional struggles people face when deciding to divorce are much greater than the legal or financial struggles. When parties hire attorneys for the dissolution
(divorce) process, chances are they don’t address their emotional needs. This translates into the individuals getting stuck emotionally, struggling to find adequate partners in the future, and in some cases, challenges in co-parenting. A person’s refusal or inability to face the emotional trauma of ending a marriage may account for the high remarriage rate. These remarriages usually occur within one to two years after the first marriage ends. Avoiding these emotions likely contributes to the even higher divorce rate of second and third marriages. If a person has
not faced their emotional turmoil during the initial divorce process, they are more prone to transfer these emotions onto the next partner, in turn sabotaging the success of the subsequent marriage.

At Redefining Divorce, we urge the couple to face the emotional aspects of their
divorce. This is done by providing therapy either individually or as a couple. Should the parties agree, the mediator and the therapist discuss the clients’ concerns expressed in the mediation and/or therapy sessions to streamline negotiations. The open communication between the therapist and the mediator also
allows the mediator to better understand any emotional attachments individuals may have to property so that appropriate settlements can be reached. After all, it’s the emotional issues that prolong the legal divorce and create irrational financial demands.

The idea behind this therapeutic approach is to establish comprehensive support for the couple. Even after the divorce is final, the therapists, mediator, and any other team members from Redefining Divorce remain accessible to either party. We want to make sure the couple gets through not only the legal divorce, but the emotional divorce. In mediation, the legal divorce generally takes a few months if cooperation and compromise exist. However, the emotional divorce takes longer. Successfully navigating the emotional divorce helps each person better prepare for the next relationship and more effectively co-parent their youngsters. For further information about Redefining Divorce, The Amicable Way, please visit our website or
call us.

Nothing Else Compares…

2011-06-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Below is one of my articles from @HomeIN Magazine...

I believe emotional pain is the worst kind of pain someone can endure. At least with physical pain you can usually identify the area that hurts and then minimize the pain with whatever method you choose. Emotional pain is invisible. There is no tangible part of it. Trying to manage something you cannot see makes it very difficult to compartmentalize it and attempt to control it. When we can’t understand and control something, we become very fearful then frustrated, angry and lethargic. In a separation or dissolution of the marriage, these emotions run rampant and are very hard to leash.

No longer do we want to sleep for fear of hearing the voices in our head tell us how unworthy we are. We don’t want to eat because we don’t have an appetite. Forget about going into public, smiley people suck. Answering the phone? For what, so we can pretend like everything is okay? No longer do we know how to raise our children. The last one is the toughest. We blame divorce for our children having a difficult life. But…

I do not think “divorce” alone damages children as most would like to believe. I think what damages kids is when their parents fail to deal with the emotional
consequences of feeling abandoned, hurt, violated and alone in a divorce and as a result the children and their needs get pushed aside. Our children see when we
don’t get up in the morning with a smile, call into work “sick”, don’t set up play
dates, have little patience for anything and stop participating in life. This is why
divorce damages kids.

Children don’t care if you are married, divorced, uneducated, or broke…they just want
to feel safe, loved and appreciated by their parents. They thrive on their parents’
happiness, excitement and involvement with them. They feel and internalize a lot more
than adults give them credit for. This time will pass but the scars left on our children will remain forever.

What Not To Do During and After Divorce

2011-06-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

What Not To Do During and After Divorce

By: Cathy Meyer
(article courtesy of divorcesupport.about.com)

Never Disregard Your Children's Feelings:
Or allow yourself to believe that your children don’t need you in their lives. Don’t ever get to the point that seeing your children is more painful than not seeing them. If you are a non-custodial parent and are dealing with such pain then suck it up. The long-term consequences and negative impact of not having their parent in their lives outweighs the emotional pain you feel.

Never Use The Family Court System To Do Battle With An Ex:
There are adversarial attorneys who will take your last dime and help you use the system to get back at an ex. The need for revenge can be costly and the only one to pay, in the end will be you.

Never Refuse To Negotiate Or Mediate A Divorce Settlement:
Negotiation and mediation are about settling the business end of the marriage. Put your emotions aside, take care of the business that needs to be taken care of and then deal with your emotions separately.

Never Refuse To Communicate With Your Ex:
Unless the relationship is abusive if you have children together, you should always be willing to communicate in a civil and respectful manner with your ex. An ex-spouse is not someone to be thrown away as if she/he is nothing more than trash stuck to the bottom of your shoe. If your ex reaches out to you via a phone call, email or in person with a need to discuss an issue pertaining to your divorce and marriage respond with common human decency. To not do so lacks character.

To read more of what not to do during or after divorce, click here.

Trying to Find a Sense of Security While Divorcing

2011-05-30T07:21:00.000-07:00

Trying to Find a Sense of Security While Divorcing
Safety can be quite elusive when undergoing a major change.

By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW
(article courtesy of Psychology Today)

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity. - General Douglas MacArthur

Actual security doesn't exist. In any given day, all that any of us has is a sense of security. We surround ourselves with all things familiar, and we take actions and think thoughts that make us feel more in control of our environment. We build structures that we think will never tumble, we set up some certain jobs with tenure, and we have the institution of marriage that is supposed to last forever. But life has a way of keeping us humble, and we see that some of the things we believed would be forever are not always forever.

Thinking we have security isn't a design flaw in our species. In fact, it's quite the opposite. If none of us felt safe and secure, we wouldn't be able to take risks or venture into unknown territory. Having a sense of security helps us to grow and change.

When life throws us a curve ball, it is our sense of security that is broken, not our actual security (since that doesn't exist).

It's normal to feel let down (or even betrayed) when something we thought we could or should count on doesn't last or proves untrustworthy. But even with the best of intentions, no one can promise anything forever; everything "permanent" can be changed, and any security we have is merely a sense of security. We can certainly take actions to diminish the chances that our security will be threatened, but nothing we do is foolproof.

Understanding this can change your perspective on what you are experiencing. It can also facilitate your acceptance of your divorce situation, which, in turn, will facilitate your movement through the grief process.

It's not wrong to want to feel secure but it's unrealistic to believe that you are immune from events that will shake your foundation. Absolute security doesn't exist for anyone, anywhere. With this in mind, enjoy the times when you do feel secure knowing that it is a comfortable and necessary illusion.

Affirmation

I enjoy my sense of security knowing that real security is an illusion.

Journal Exercise

•Write down all the experiences you have had in your life that you thought were secure but were not. How did you regain your feeling of security?
•How will your view on life change knowing that security is nothing more than an illusion? Will you make different choices? Will you appreciate what you have more?

This article was excerpted from Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce, by Susan Pease Gadoua

How to Divorce as Friends

2011-05-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

How to Divorce as Friends
...and maybe even save your marriage

By: Bill Ferguson
(article courtesy of www.californiadivorce.info)

Editor's Note: This article is not geared towards those in abusive relationships; being nicer to your abuser is unlikely to have a positive result. What you can do, however, is to take responsibility for being in the relationship, and for ending it in a way that is safe and works for both you and your kids (if you have any).

No matter how painful or destructive your relationship is today, you have the ability to turn your situation around. You can end the conflict, heal the hurt and restore the love, not necessarily as husband and wife, but as one human being to another.

The first key to handling your situation is to put your focus on healing your relationship, one human being to another. To the extent that you're able to do this, everything else takes care of itself.

If your relationship is a fit, you will come back together like magnets. If your relationship is not a fit, you'll go your separate ways -- but you'll be able to do so in a way that's loving and supportive.

The second key to healing your relationship is you. How you act towards your ex largely determines how he/she will act towards you. How you treat each other will determine whether your relationship is painful or supportive.

THE NATURE OF RELATIONSHIPS

Let's look at the nature of relationships. We think that love is enough to have a relationship work, but it's not: the divorce courts are full of people who love each other. To have a relationship work, you need the experience of love, which you create by giving the gift of acceptance and appreciation.

Consider how you feel when someone genuinely accepts and appreciates you. It feels great! You feel better about yourself and better about life, and you also feel better about the person who accepts and appreciates you.

The same thing happens when you give acceptance and appreciation to someone else: that person feels better about him or herself and better about you. When your ex feels loved, he/she becomes more accepting towards you, then you feel more accepting towards him/her. You soon create a cycle of loving, supporting, and empowering each other.

This is the way most relationships begin, but they don't stay this way. Sooner or later, someone gets upset and destroys the experience of love by being critical or judgmental.

Think about how you feel when someone you love is non-accepting and critical towards you. Instantly, the experience of love disappears. You feel hurt and upset. You close down inside. You put up your walls of protection and you automatically resist this person.

The same thing happens when you're critical towards someone else: that person gets upset, puts up his/her walls of protection, and automatically becomes critical and resentful towards you. Being critical or judgmental destroys the experience of love and starts a vicious cycle of blame and hurt between you and the other person.

Without knowing how it happened, you've created a cycle of conflict, resistance, attack, and withdrawal from each other. This vicious cycle -- which produces tremendous suffering -- goes on and on without either person noticing his or her role in the conflict. Sides get drawn and issues become something to fight over rather than something to resolve. Walls of protection get fortified and distance grows. We hurt each other over and over again, feeling fully justified for everything we do. We do serious damage to each other, and none of it is necessary.

It takes two people to create and maintain the cycle of conflict, but it only takes one person to end it. It's like a tennis match: two people are required to keep the volley going. As soon as one person stops serving, the game is over.

To read more about to divorce as friends, click here.

What Are the Rules of Healthy Arguing?

2011-05-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Speak the truth in a loving manner. Anger can be communicated without name calling, yelling, screaming or threatening. Feelings of anger do not have to replace feelings of love. It is important to realize that being angry with someone doe not mean you no longer love them.

No shoulds or shouldn’ts are allowed in your talk to each other, because the spouse using them is being a parent instead of a spouse. You don’t tell a spouse what they should or shouldn’t do. You tell a spouse what you would like them to do and then give them the opportunity to choose whether or not it is something they want to do.

Use “I feel” messages. Remember, along with emotions come facts. Both should be argued and in a way that does not put the other spouse on the defensive. An “I feel” message allows you to express how you felt about something he/she did or said. It gives you the opportunity to express your feelings but doesn’t necessarily mean you will get your way but you will at least get to express your feelings.

Consider this though, “I feel” messages will be met with more openness than saying, “You always so and so,” or “You hurt me.” You want to talk about how you feel, not point fingers at what your spouse did or didn’t do.

Don’t jump to conclusions about what your spouse is thinking or feeling. If you want to know, ask him/her. Just because you share your feelings doesn’t mean your spouse “heard” what you were saying.

When communicating we need to express and listen to be understood. A lot of us are guilty of hearing something other than what is actually being said. Make sure that you express your needs and that your spouse understands those needs. Asking him/her to repeat back to you what you’ve said will help. You can’t resolve a misunderstanding if you are being misunderstood!

Some people are under the misguided impression that if s/he shares feelings and expresses anger at his/her spouse they would withdraw and eventually grow apart. Feelings of anger, when properly shared do the same as feelings of love; they bring a couple closer together.

You get to know and understand each other better. You feel safer within the relationship if you know it is safe to express your feelings of anger. You learn that marriage is not a competition, a game where one spouse has more control than the other.

Nothing promotes love and intimacy more than working together without fear of reprisal…with a commitment to doing what is best for the marriage.

Divorce: What Went Wrong?

2011-05-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

Divorce: What Went Wrong?
(provided by Alternatives Divorce Mediation, article listed on www.divorceresource.com)

The "D-Word" strikes at the heart of all married couples. Prenuptial agreements - agreements made even before marriage - all have provisions for what happens in the event of a divorce. Recent statistics suggest that 50% of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce. In Southern California the divorce rate is purported to be even higher, somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-75% depending on which study one reads. In this articles I will be exploring some of the reasons that people divorce, some of the consequences of divorce, ways to prevent divorce, and, when all else fails, approaches divorce that can be less stressful to all of the parties involved.

Changing Expectations

The institution of marriage has changed dramatically over the past 100 years. Many factors played a part in this evolution. In the 1890s marriage was often a matter of convenience. Roles for men and women were clearly defined; each knew what was expected of them. Men were expected to work, with their primary responsibility being the family provider. Women were to take care of the home and bear children for whom they would then be the caretaker. Marriages were the purpose of raising a family - breeding children who would grow up to help with the chores, work the fields, or take over the family business.

With the industrial revolution, the second world war, and finally the technological revolution, much of this changed. Each of these revolutions provided greater leisure time, greater freedom from chores, and a reduction in the need for progeny to be junior workers - in the field or in the home. Thus families had fewer children. W.W.II created a need for women to enter the work force. And when the war was over, they did not want to return to the home. Two-income families became the norm. Today women work for the same reasons men work, not just to provide a second income. They have their own careers, interests, and activities equal to men.

The family changed from "Dad wears the pants in the family" to Mom and Dad are partners in the business of family. The expectations men and women have of one another and subsequently of marriage have changed. Couples expect more of one another and from their marriage. With increased information, leisure time, mobility, and affluence people have more time to learn about themselves and to experience various life styles. They have more contact with how other people live. They also have increased opportunity to learn about themselves. In less affluent times, when roles were clearly defined along gender lines, peoples' self-concept remained static. Today, however, after being continuously bombarded with information and the possibility of change, the concept of self has become more dynamic.

When two people are married and over a period of years at least one person, if not both, undergoes a significant change in self-concept, the marriage will also change. The selves that married are no longer the same. If interests, goals, values change along with a changing self, you have a different dynamic set up between the two persons. In some cases this dynamic is such that the marriage no longer seems viable. When we combine this change with the awareness that we will be living longer, it appears more probable that people will seek a second or third partner with whom they feel more compatible.

It is no longer sufficient for a man simply to be a terrific provider and for a woman to be an outstanding homemaker. People expect more. Men and women want intimacy, romance, affection, understanding, commonality of interests, conversation, common values, and exciting sex, to mention a few of the more common requirements. They want an equal partnership with one another, where both parties participate equally in all of the decisions pertaining to the home and to child-rearing, regardless of who is earning more money.

Increased longevity, increased affluence, and increased opportunity for personal growth, when combined with significantly changing expectations regarding marriage, suggest that people must learn new or different ways of relating to one another if their marriage is going to survive. When this is not possible, either for lack of desire, capacity, or interest on the part of one or both parties, divorce becomes an option.

Click here to read more of this article.

Experts Answer Some Common Divorce FAQs

2011-04-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

Experts Answer Some Common Divorce FAQs
Having good support and information helps those divorcing
By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

(article courtesy of Psychology Today)

Generally, there are two things that impair a person's ability to make good decisions during the divorce process.

The first is emotional state of each spouse. Most divorcing people have periods of feeling overwhelmed by fear, anger, sadness and other negative emotions.

The second impairment to making good decisions is lack of knowledge in the various areas you need to know about such as finances, real estate, investing, taxes, and insurance.

Frequently Asked Questions About Divorce

This article will answer some of the most frequently asked questions about divorce. These answers, given by eight professional women who specialize in helping people through divorce, are meant to provide general information to a broad range of situations.

Managing Your Emotions Through Divorce

I've never felt such intense emotions before in my life. I'm not able to concentrate. What's going on? Am I going crazy?

You are probably not "going crazy," but you may be experiencing extremely heightened emotions. What this means is that you may be flooded with intense negative emotions. As a result, your perceptions get distorted and your thought processes become impaired. This is normal but the feeling of being out of control can add layers of fear to the already scary experience. Because divorce is such a loss and major transition, it makes sense that you would feel powerful feelings. The key to getting through this time is to make sure you have adequate emotional support. Friends can be a great source of support, but certainly professional support, with a therapist, mediator or clergy person who specializes in divorce, is most helpful. Groups are powerful in that everyone in the group understands the pain and won't get tired of hearing your story. Often, there are lower fee resources at churches or mental health agencies. There are also free 12-step programs that can be very helpful.

Warning signs: If you find that you are filled with rage, you often cry uncontrollably, you lose track of where you are when you are driving, for example, or you talk to anyone and everyone who will listen about your situation (even the stranger at the grocery store), you probably aren't getting the level of support you need. I recommend that you seek assistance from a local mental health agency, church or synagogue.

How long does a "typical" divorce recovery take?

How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was, how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse is involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and so on. There's no way around the grieving, but there are things you can do to help yourself move through the process faster: 1) ask for help (and let it in); 2) be as informed as possible about the divorce process and resources you will need; 3) surround yourself with supportive people - stay away from those who bring you down or make you feel bad about your situation; 4) watch your mental story-telling (i.e., I'll be alone forever or I'll be a bag lady on the street). Catastrophizing is tempting but try to keep your thoughts and feelings to what's happening in the moment. Your grief will eventually pass and life will find a new sense of normal again.

Click here to read more divorce FAQs.

Top 5 Tips For Positive Communication With Your Ex

2011-04-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

Top 5 Tips For Positive Communication With Your Ex
By: Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide

(article courtesy of divorcesupport.about.com)

If your marriage to your ex spouse produced children then nothing is more important than maintaining a civil relationship with your ex. It is essential that all parents work together for the welfare of their children. If there is poor communication with your ex-spouse and resentment between the two of you, you are not the loser, your child / children is.

These tips will help you put aside any negative feelings you have toward your ex. Effort on your part to build a new and productive relationship with your ex will help all involved in the healing process and moving forward with life.

1. Consult a therapist.
If you find that the two of you have a hard time discussing important issues regarding the children, seek help from a third party. Don’t be afraid to consult a therapist, a member of the clergy or a friend you both have a trusting relationship with.

2. Set clear boundaries.
Communicate with each other and set clear boundaries about the roles you will play in your child / children’s lives. It’s important that you each understand the value of your relationship to your child and respect that relationship.

3. Don't bring up old issues.
When solving problems don’t bring up the past. Discuss the issue at hand and excuse yourself from the conversation if you are unable to remain calm and business like.

View your ex spouse the same way you would a business associate. Make appointments to discuss issues, meet in a neutral location and always be prompt and courteous.

Never allow yourself to resort to name calling, blaming, cursing or yelling. Keep negative emotions out of the equation and deal with them on your own time.

4. Be empathetic.
Be willing to see the situation from your ex’s perspective. They have concerns and fears just like you do and recognizing that will help you feel more empathetic and open to finding solutions to any problems that might arise.

5. Consider what is best for your children.
Most importantly, always consider what your child / children would want. You may find it hard to even be around your ex but making the needs of your child / children your main priority will help establish the kind of relationship that benefits them.

Bringing Sanity to the Divorce Process

2011-04-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

Bringing Sanity to the Divorce Process
By: Clare A. Piro, Esq.

(article courtesy of www.divorcesource.com)

If you and your spouse have decided that you need to separate, it would seem that the last thing you would want to do is to engage in a process that would be costly, inefficient and likely to increase the rancor between you. Yet, that is sadly what most couples unknowingly do if they believe that they have no option other than to litigate their divorce.

Mediation is a more sane option that is likely to resolve the couple's conflicts with an emphasis on reaching an agreement that works for the entire family. In mediation, the couple meets with an objective mediator who raises all of the topics which need to be addressed and facilitates a discussion between the couple to reach a resolution. So, what is the difference between mediation and litigation if there is an impasse on a particular issue? For example, what if the mother wants to stay in the marital residence with the children, but the father wants the house to be sold.

In mediation using the interest based approach, the mediator will first ask questions to make sure that the parties speak in terms of their interests to explain why each is taking his and her position and to make sure that the other person hears and understands it. For example, the mother wants the children to have the stability of staying in their home, but the father wants the money from the sale of the house so he can have a nice home for the children when he has access with them. The mediator can help the parties see that they have a mutual interest in doing what is best for the children, and given that interest, the parties can brainstorm and suggest different possibilities for resolution. These could include selling the house at a future time, dividing the other assets so that the father can have a safe home for the children, the mother buying out all or a part of the father's interest in the house, or even a nesting agreement where the children stay in the house and the mother and father share time in the house while having small apartments elsewhere. The mediator will then have the parties evaluate these options, and parties will determine what can work for both of them but more importantly for their children.

How would it work in litigation? Since very few litigated cases actually make it through a trial, chances are that your matter would be resolved through attorney negotiations.The mother's attorney will cite case law and arguments that support her point of view, and the father's attorney will cite case law and arguments that support his point of view. Typically, there will be lengthy phone calls or extensive letter writing. Maybe there will even be a four way meeting where the attorneys will speak for their clients in terms of rights, obligations and different opinions as to what is likely to happen in Court. Ultimately, one party gives up and the other will win.

Unlike in mediation, the resolution in an adversarial process tends to be that one party benefits at the expense of the other. Aside from the financial and emotional costs of such a process, the result seems unlikely to be better than a result fashioned by the parties themselves. It will breed resentment from the "losing party," and even the "winner" may not be happy because of the time it took and the money spent. Mediation is a much saner approach and tends to result in a mutual agreement which is more likely to be followed by the parties because it is one they themselves designed.

The New Normal

2011-03-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

The New Normal
It Can Take a Long Time to Come Back Into Balance After Divorce
By: By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

(article courtesy of Psychology Today)

Life during the process of divorce and sometimes for a period post divorce can be rocky. A marital dissolution is one of the greatest transitions you may ever face, so it's important to understand that it's typical for it to take a while to find your "new normal," and to arrive at the calm that follows the storm.

Given the fact that you are adjusting to life as a single person and perhaps adjusting as a single parent as well, it makes sense that finding balance again will not be a simple adjustment. There are many new social norms and challenges to deal with as a newly single person. There may be ongoing adjustments and lifestyle changes that will have to be made for quite a while following divorce.

With each new interaction and experience as a divorced person, you will learn a great deal about yourself and about those around you. You will learn who your friends are and who they are not. You will learn what you are comfortable doing and what you are not comfortable doing and so on.

Finding a new normal is what you are seeking but it is not something that can be forced. Rather, it's a series of new routines that are settled into with repeated new behaviors over time. It's important to be aware that everything you do today to creates new habits and is laying the foundation for your new routines later on. Ask yourself if you are thinking and acting in ways that will enhance or impede your happiness in your new life. This goes for your habits of thought as well as your action habits.

We all like to feel safe in our environment. One reason divorce is so challenging is that it takes people so far out of their comfort zone and requires them to make changes to their daily life. By being aware of your thoughts and actions, you will have the power to change them if they are not the foundation you would like to establish going forward.

What will you set in motion today with your thoughts and actions? Are you establishing a habit of being angry or disempowered? Are you taking charge of your new life and attracting the people and circumstances you want to have with you?

Affirmation
I am creating my new life today with every thought I have and action I take.

Love, Money & The Blended Family

2011-03-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

Love, Money & The Blended Family
By Diana Shepherd

(article courtesy of californiadivorce.info)

Statistics say that one in two marriages end in divorce. This sociological earthquake has left the old-style nuclear family in ruins -- but what effect is it having on the economics of love?

I really hate this, but I end up having to sign checks to pay Colin's ex-wife's mortgage," complains Sara. "We make O.K. money -- enough for the two of us to live on comfortably -- but when our salaries end up being split between us and Colin's family from his previous marriage, there's just too much month left at the end of the money."

So when the first of the month rolls around and they have to write that support check to Colin's ex, the results are predictable: Sara gets furious, Colin gets defensive. "No matter what I do, I end up being the bad guy," he complains. "When I bought a computer for my kids last Christmas, Sara was mad because we needed a new dishwasher; when Sara and I took a holiday down south, I couldn't afford to send the kids to camp."

Colin feels guilty, upset, and trapped between his obligations to his former and current wives, and Sara feels angry and resentful at having to give up a large portion of their shared income to a woman she wishes had never even existed.

"If it weren't for them, Colin and I would have a house of our own by now," says Sara bitterly. "Instead, I have to work so that she can live like a lady of leisure!"

Colin and Sara's dilemmas are all too common these days. When a '90s bride and groom speak their vows to each other, children and ex-spouses often come along as part of the bargain.

To read the rest of Diana Shepherd's article, click here.

Have A "Good" Divorce

2011-03-08T08:20:00.000-08:00

Have A "Good" Divorce
(provided by Belinda Etezad Rachman, Esq., Attorney-Mediator)

(courtesy of www.divorcesource.com

Unfortunately half of all marriages end in divorce. If there is nothing else to be done to save the marriage, at least end it with as much dignity and fairness while keeping as much control as possible. When a couple has children or significant assets it is vital to work together in order to protect yourselves and your children. The legal system is designed for litigation and if each of you hires your own attorney, the fees and bad feelings can get out of control. Couples who divorce by using mediation instead of litigation, save so much more than just money, you are saving your co-parenting relationship. Ending a marriage is painful enough without adding the bitterness that comes from a court fight. If you think the divorcing couple suffers, put yourselves in the shoes of the children. The extreme tension that is created by court fights will be impossible to hide from your kids. You will never be comfortable co-parenting with your ex after a bloody battle in court.

Divorce mediation is the best alternative for rational people whose goal is to get out without hurting each other. Some people really do want to fight. They don't mind spending all their money as long as it means the other person won't get it. Mediation wouldn't be satisfying for someone with that kind of agenda. If the idea of saving as much money as you can while staying out of court sounds good to you than you owe it to yourself to explore mediation. I am sure you will be glad you worked together when you see how peaceful a divorce can be. It may sound strange that a divorce can be peaceful since most people associate divorce with hiring separate attorneys and doing legal battle, but my own practice proves that is not the case.

When the mediator is a lawyer, they do all the paperwork necessary to start and complete the divorce as well as answering all your legal questions, helping you negotiate a settlement and drafting the Marital Settlement Agreement. Use an attorney who has a powerful intention to complete the process, instead of dragging it out to line their own pockets. With half of all marriages ending in divorce you have heard the stories of lawyers who walk away with more of the assets than their clients. If you are a child of divorce, you probably know what it is like to feel torn between your parents. I know you don't want your own children to experience that.

As in all areas of your life, the choices you make will determine the outcome. If you go down the adversarial road the outcome is fairly certain. There will be "winners" and "losers" and the accompanying hard feelings. It will be expensive, not only financially but emotionally. The better choice is to work together to end your marriage instead of dragging each other through the courts. As the child of divorce, let me assure you that the best gift you can give your children is a "good" divorce because the alternative really hurts!

An Unresolved Heart

2011-03-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

An Unresolved Heart
Feeling Whole Again After Divorce Can Take a While
By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

(article courtesy of Psychology Today)

Be patient with all that is unresolved in your heart.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Ending a marriage or a long-term relationship leaves empty spaces in the hearts of those who are grieving. These empty spaces cannot be filled with just any new thing. Enough time needs to pass to fully heal the heart and soul. Waiting for this to happen is one of the hardest parts of getting to the other side of the divorce process.

There is a saying that goes "the only way out is through," and this definitely applies to anyone grieving. There are no shortcuts. And often, the more you try to control or stop yourself from feeling the sadness, pain, and hurt, the more you actually prolong these feelings because you're not allowing them to be. It is only by sitting with the discomfort and allowing it to be, that is, allowing yourself to really feel your pain, that the emotions eventually diminish and the healing can take place.

What you need to know and understand is that a state such as depression or intense sadness is a healthy and appropriate response to the end of your marriage. You may not feel this sadness right away, or as intensely as someone else who has been through a divorce, but your pain is your pain. Do what you can to acknowledge it and let it be what it is. It will eventually pass and you will heal.

Affirmation

I cannot force my heart to feel whole again. I will wait for resolution patiently.

(The above passage was excerpted from Susan Pease Gadoua's second book, Stronger Day by Day, Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce, with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc.)

From a Child's Perspective....

2011-02-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

Below is one of my articles from @HomeIN Magazine...

"Dear Mom and Dad,

Today, I struggle with my own relationships because I had to deal with the chaos of yours. I fear being "trapped" in a marriage that appears more destructive than beneficial and not being able to escape because 'I made a commitment to my spouse.'

I hate that instead of looking at you as parents, I see you as children.

I understand you were afraid of judgement from your God, family, friends and community, if you pursued a divorce, but what about the judgement of your own child? I am the only one that has to deal with consequences of your egos, no one else.

I believe my life today would be much less tumultuous if you had split up an remained amicable. I believe I would have learned how to deal with conflict in a healthy way by watching you two communicate effectively. I believe I would have faith in the sanctity of marriage if I didn't see the destruction of it through you.

I wish you would have split, regained respect for reach other, learned how to communicate, dealt with your own personal issues, found new partners who were a better fit and raised me under those circumstances. After all, having two different families who appreciate, love and respect each other would be much more beneficial to me than one family that destroyed each other.

I love you both because you are my parents, but your selfishness made my life more difficult than it needed to be. Staying married was not the best decision. It didn't teach me about 'commitment' or 'working through things.' Your marriage taught me how to avoid this relationship in the future.

Although I am an adult now, you still have to raise my brother and sister. Give them a fighting chance at being healthy people so they can enjoy successful marriages."

Sincerely,
Your Son

Except In A Divorce...

2011-02-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

Below is an article that I wrote for @HomeIN Magazine....

I have been honored to work with the couples, individuals, and children that have come into my life. Even though they are generally in their most compromised emotional and mental state, they are nevertheless incredible people. What I find most interesting about them is their desire to fix past mistakes they had no control over. Namely, they try to raise their children better than their parents raised them. They spend more time with them, engage more often, make conscious efforts to be slower to react and quicker to forgive, and promise to always keep their child’s best interests at heart.

Except in a divorce. Even though these same incredible people have the best of intentions to raise their children well, when their primary relationship with their spouse breaks down all bets are off. No longer are they concerned about the words they speak in front of their kids about their ex. No longer are they concerned about permanently damaging their children with these words. No longer are they concerned about making sure the child has equal exposure to both parents. No longer do they protect their most precious creations. And I wonder if parents will ever be able to make the connection between their behavior during the divorce and the lack of their children’s presence in their lives when the children become adults.

At some point, I believe a parent has to stop and think “I made the decision to bring
this innocent child into the world. I made this decision with the intent to protect him/her from the harms of the world…So why am I the person subjecting him/her to it?”

I am astonished at the amount of time a parent spends identifying and focusing on the other parent’s inequities during a divorce. I am amazed at the disregard a parent has about their child’s well being when they decide to turn their child into their
ally. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out
why anyone would want to manipulate a child’s emotional connection to their parents because one of them feels violated, upset, hurt, manipulated and disregarded. Hopefully we will learn one day: when we have children it is no longer about us…
Especially in a divorce.

What Will People Think When They Find Out I'm Divorcing?

2011-02-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

What Will People Think When They Find Out I'm Divorcing?
The trick is to not care.

By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

(courtesy of Psychology Today)

When someone is preparing to announce their divorce, one of the biggest concerns is how to tell others and how others will react. While people don't always say or do he right thing, knowing how to not take it personally is key.

The following is an excerpt from Stronger Day by Day, Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce -

What people think of you is none of your business. ~ Author unknown

When divorcing people start telling friends and family about their impending split, one great worry they have is, "What will people think?" Fear of criticism and the judgment of others abounds.

The unfortunate truth is that there will be people who will look down their noses at you for divorcing or who will no longer want to associate with you; however, how people react is more about them and their shortcomings than it is about you and anything you might have done.

This is easy to remember when the person judging you is a neighbor down the street you don't care much for anyway, but when it's a parent, a sibling, or a close friend, it can be quite hard to deal with. We all want to feel approved of and accepted by those we care about.

Regardless of the role they may play in your life, if anyone criticizes you for your choice to divorce, or the circumstances of your divorce, that is indicative of their insensitivity to your needs.

Often, those who judge divorcing people harshly are those who fear divorce becoming their own reality. Or they may resent the fact that divorce is a choice available to you but not to them; they have to suffer, why can't you?

You will cope much better with others' criticism and judgments if you can keep these facts in mind. It won't excuse the judgers' actions, but if you know that they are reacting from fear or anger at something that has nothing to do with you, that insight might help you to not take their reaction personally.

AFFIRMATION

I will not take personally the reactions others may have to my divorce.

Parenting Through Your Divorce

2011-01-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

Parenting Through Your Divorce
by: Denise Esecson, MFT

(courtesy of californiadivorce.info)

Here is a quick reference guide of DO’S and DON’T’S for Helping Your Children Through Your Divorce:

DO

-Do encourage your children to talk openly about their feelings
-Do emphasize that the divorce was not their fault
-Do understand that your children’s behavior may reflect feelings of anger, fear, confusion, sadness and loss. Validate their feelings, allow them to be angry with you
-Do be honest with your children about the finality of divorce according to what is age appropriate
-Do keep your children informed about family-life changes such as moving, visitation, activities, schedules, etc.
-Do remain consistent with established rules and expectations even if they are not the same in the other parent’s household.
-Do make the effort to spend quality time with each child every day.
-Do commit to protecting your children from being involved in parental conflict. Agree on co-parenting strategies that benefit the children
-Do take all necessary steps to ensure a safe and stable home environment
-Do seek professional help if your children are experiencing unresolved problems in response to your divorce

DON’T
-Don’t blame the other parent such that children take sides
-Don’t speak negatively about the other parent in front of your children
-Don’t assign children the role of “message carrier” to the other parent
-Don’t allow your children to bear the burdens of your emotional and or financial -concerns.
-Don’t use your child as a confidant -- you must remain the parent and the adult.
-Don’t allow your feelings to stand in the way of your children’s desire to have a relationship with the other parent or step-parent.
-Don’t forget to reassure the children that the parents will continue to love them even though Mom and Dad are not getting along
-Don’t promise your children more than you can deliver; be realistic about your plans, including new living arrangements, time spent with children as they try to find a new sense of security in their lives

Eight Tips to Help You Deal With Mixed Emotions After Divorce

2011-01-17T07:35:00.000-08:00

Eight Tips to Help You Deal With Mixed Emotions After Divorce
By Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide

(Article courtesy of divorcesupport.about.com)

After the divorce you may find you have mixed emotions about your ex - spouse. While you may know that the divorce was for the best, you may find that some days you hate your ex - spouse, and, surprisingly, other days you miss him/her. You may wonder why you feel any fondness for someone you are divorcing. It is perfectly normal, and most divorced people report these mixed emotions. So how do you cope with these changing emotions?

1.Emotions are not good or bad. They just ARE. When a couple divorces, the bad times they shared may be a recent memory, but there are times when each person feels vulnerable, lonely, or scared of the changes taking place. At these times, you may think of the good times. (Hopefully, they were not all bad!) Allow yourself these trips down memory lane. Don’t try to push down your emotions, but allow yourself to feel all the emotional stages of divorce. Expect that you will have your up’s and down’s.

2.Divorce means change. Realize that every divorce brings about such change, and change is not always easy. There are times we are tempted to look back, because it is easier than facing the fact that you now have to rebuild your life. Trust yourself that you can handle anything that comes along and that you have made the right decision to divorce. Don’t let fear overtake your judgment.

3.Make lists. It helps to make a list of the reasons you divorced, and the differences you had. Also, make a list of the good parts of your former relationship. Many newly divorced people are so focused on the bad that they grow resentful and hold such a grudge against their ex - spouse, it is hard to move on with their lives. Everyone has some good traits and some bad.

Click here to read more tips on how to deal with mixed emotions after divorce.

Questions You Should Answer if You Are Considering Divorce

2010-12-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

Questions You Should Answer if You Are Considering Divorce

By Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide

(article courtesy of divorcesupport.about.com)

Do you want to get divorced? The decision to divorce is critical, with consequences that can last a lifetime. Marital problems, pain in your relationship and frustration with it does not always mean divorce.

Below are questions you should ask yourself before you get divorced. Go over these questions together, as a couple. Should you decide divorce is the answer for you, at least your spouse won’t be blindsided by your feelings.

1. Do you still have feelings for your spouse?
Have your feelings diminished or, are you feeling powerless over a problem in the marriage and due to this, there is a lack of emotional closeness. If there are still feelings of love and affection then you should work on the relationship before deciding on divorce.

You do not want to get caught up in the emotions of a situation like divorce and then realize you’ve made a mistake. If there is any love left, seeking couples therapy will mean not suffering feelings of loss after an un-needed divorce.

2. Was there even a marriage to begin with?
If your marriage has never been anything more than two people living together and getting their own needs met then divorce may be the answer. Marriage is a unified coupling of two people who work for the best interest of the relationship. Married couples work together for the good of the relationship. If there is no “couple,” only two people fighting for their own needs then, now would be a good time to either commit to changing the dynamics of the relationship or parting ways.

Click here to read 5 additional questions you should answer if you are considering divorce.

10 Tips For Dealing with Arguments

2010-12-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

Article courtesy of www.divorcesourace.com
By: Diana Mercer, Attorney-Mediator

1. It takes 2 to argue. You can always refuse to participate.

2. A certain amount of tension is to be expected when you're getting divorced. Expect difficult discussions, but they don't have to result in a fight.

3. Try to understand your spouse's viewpoint. Once you understand what he or she wants, you can begin to see how you might be able to help resolve the situation.

4. Evaluate your own goals. Are you entrenched in a position that may have another solution? If you want your children on Wednesday night for dinner, will Thursday do? If your goal is financial security, is one particular asset the key, or could another be substituted?

5. Use "I" statements. Begin every sentence with "I", rather than "you". Example: "I feel upset when I hear you say that I'm a bad father because I have to work so many hours" instead of "You are always accusing me of being a bad father".

6. After you explain how you feel, listen to your spouse's side of the story. Repeat what you heard, to make sure for yourself (and to convey to your spouse) that you understand how he or she views the situation.

7. Plan a time to have a discussion with your spouse about a specific issue that bothers you. Limit the discussion.

8. Choose your timing. The same comment may evoke a different response if chosen 1) when neither of you is tired; 2) when neither of you is already angry; and 3) the children or others are not in earshot.

9. Be prepared to say "I'm sorry" sometimes. "I was wrong" can go a long way.

10. Above all, let annoyances go and choose your battles wisely. They are too important to squander.

Why Certain Life Events Lead to Divorce

2010-12-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

Why Certain Life Events Lead to Divorce
Pivotal events cause people to question whether they are living their best life

By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

(article courtesy of Psychology Today)

What do a heart attack, parent dying, job loss and a car accident have in common?

They are all what I call, "pivotal events." These events - though life-altering in their own right - lead people to make other life changing decisions - divorce being one of the most common.

I myself had a pivotal event in 1986. I was in a major car accident that should have killed or crippled me. It did neither. Coming so close to my own demise, and knowing how fortunate I was to escape relatively unscathed, I decided that I was not going to waste another minute putting off my dreams. I got a new job, began a regular exercise program and I enrolled in graduate school at NYU. My life was forever altered by the jolt my accident caused.

Pivotal events often cause people to question what they really want and whether they are living their life to the fullest. People begin to scrutinize themselves, their job, spouse, home and friends. If any of these areas was lacking something or was in question prior to the event, it is very likely to receive a major overhaul.

These events can certainly make relationships stronger and bring people closer together if, for example, the person who experienced the event realized that she was taking those around her for granted. Yet, in my years of working with divorcing people, I frequently hear stories of these pivotal events coming before a divorce.

Continue reading the article here. There's some great suggestions of things to consider before making big changes to your life.

How to Get Through The Holidays During a Divorce

2010-11-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

Uuugghhh!!! Can’t the holidays wait? My relationship is falling apart!

Divorce is hard enough at any time, but facing the end of a marriage during the holidays is torture! Based on my experience as a mediator, both partners in the dissolution process must grapple with immense hurt, fear, and grief. It is common for each person to experience deep feelings of shame and failure because the relationship did not work. Determining how to move on or “become whole again” takes dedicated work and time. This work should be done through therapy and guidance of good friends and family. The holidays are likely to elicit all kinds of feelings, both happy and sad, so a bit of planning will help you and your children cope with your changing family structure and find some joy amid the rubble. To facilitate the process, I’ve provided some essential coping strategies to help you get through.

First things first- Do not let the children know that the holidays are difficult for you this year and you wish they would self postpone! If the holidays won’t stop, then find a way to work with them. Create new traditions with your family. Remember what your families did for each of you on Christmas, Hanukah, and New Years. If one day was more important to you than the others, try to propose a new schedule to your former spouse. See if you can take the kids on your important day and allow him or her to have the children on the other important day. If you can’t seem to arrange a holiday schedule that suites you both, consider going to mediation. The mediator will be able to work out a suitable schedule that will make both parties comfortable.

If you cannot be with the people that you traditionally have been with, do something different like take the kids on a day trip. Create a new tradition. Find free or low-cost activities to make the holidays festive. Have children make their own wrapping paper with crayons and glitter or newspaper comics. Play a holiday tape in the car as you drive looking at decorated homes and lights. Visit large hotel lobbies or malls and take in the spectacular decorations. Check out some yummy recipes online and make something with your children you have never made before. Ask your kids what they would like and incorporate their ideas into your new traditions.

Read the rest of my article from @InHome Magazine - Fullerton.

Helping Children Understand Divorce

2010-11-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

Helping Children Understand Divorce
University of Missouri-Columbia
Sara Gable, State Specialist, Human Development and Family Studies
Kelly Cole, Extension Associate

(article courtesy of California Divorce Info.)

When parents decide to divorce, they typically have been through a series of events that have led them to this decision. Whether or not children are aware of parents' decisions depends on many things, including parents' behaviors and children's experiences.

In some families, husbands and wives may argue frequently in front of the children, leaving children to suspect that something is going on. In other families, parents may talk quietly about their differences without the children ever knowing. And in other families, parents may argue sometimes and quietly handle their differences at other times.

Regardless of the type of adult arguments and interactions that children experience, when parents decide to divorce, children need to know.

The purpose of this guide is to help you understand the thoughts and feelings that children may have when their parents decide to divorce and to provide some tips for talking with children about divorce.

Talking With Children About Divorce

Children's reactions to parental divorce are related to how parents inform them of their decision. Because of this, it is important for parents to think carefully about how they will tell their children and what they will tell them. When possible, the entire family should meet together so that both parents can answer children's questions. This strategy may also help parents to avoid blaming each other for the divorce. The following tips might make this a smoother process:

- Set aside time to meet as a family
- Plan ahead of time what to tell children
- Stay calm
- Plan to meet again

To learn more tips about how to help children understand divorce, read the rest of the article here.

What if There were Community Ceremonies to mark Divorce?

2010-11-09T08:45:00.000-08:00

What if there were community ceremonies to mark divorce?
Wedding is to marriage as ? is to divorce.
By: Jacqueline Hudak, M.Ed., Ph.D., LMFT

(article courtesy of: Psychology Today)

Rituals are usually associated with life's momentous occasions: birth, death, and, for those who are allowed, marriage.

There are also those times in the life cycle in which, although the event is no less significant, it goes unmarked by ceremony or observance. Sometimes it can be more of an ambiguous loss, like a miscarriage, or something experienced at the edge of shame, like abortion. A great silence surrounds such occasions. They are losses nonetheless, but not deserving of a ritual to mark them, or to experience them in community with others.

Such is usually the case with divorce.

Several weeks ago, I attended a divorce ‘ritual' of sorts, and came away so moved by the experience that I decided to share it here on my PT blog: Family.Life.

My friend Yasmin brought together an eclectic group of family and friends who gathered at events held on a Saturday night and Sunday afternoon in Philadelphia. Much like a wedding, many of us were previously strangers, and became joined in a web of connection to our mutual friend.

Yasmin had brought us together to mark the finality and transition of her divorce.
Well, that was my particular spin on the event, but for Yasmin, it was more about saying ‘thank-you' to each friend, who, in their own unique ways, helped her through the past five years of deep and profound grief, searching, and ultimately, completion. She remarked that her marriage took place in community, yet was ended alone and in silence. She was attempting to alter what this culture does relative to the dissolution of a marriage.

Read the rest of Jacqueline Hudak's article here.

Stepping Off the Roller Coaster

2010-11-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Stepping Off the Roller Coaster
By Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D.

(Article courtesy of californiadivorce.info)

The divorce roller coaster includes periods of euphoria followed by deep lows. Right now, you may be feeling like an unwilling passenger on a wild ride, but the ride won't last forever.

In the initial stages of divorce, it's hard to be patient while the world is going about its everyday business as if nothing has happened. Don't they know you're aching inside? How dare they show those romantic movies on HBO! Can't those people hold hands and nuzzle each other somewhere else?

The adjustment period after divorce trauma (whether you are the "leaver" or the "leavee") is between two and five years, depending somewhat on the amount of pre-grieving you've experienced. Some people begin the emotional journey when they realize the marriage is dead -- sometimes well before they mention the word "divorce" to their spouse.

If you're in the early stages, you're probably wondering what to expect -- and how to accelerate (or even bypass) the painful stages to reach the place where you feel whole and happy again. Unfortunately, recovery from divorce is not an express elevator from the basement of grief to the penthouse of joy. It's more like a maze: you go forward a bit, become confused, find the way forward again, hit a wall, retrace your steps, find a new way forward, realize you took the wrong turn and back-track again, etc., etc. Like wandering through a hall of mirrors, you confront yourself -- or what looks like yourself -- around every corner.

For a more specific discussion of the emotions encountered during the first few years after a divorce, continue reading here.

Reasons to Consider Mediation

2010-10-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

Statistically, 93-96% of all family law cases settle before trial. With that being said, it is no longer a question of whether a case will settle but when it will settle. After much research and hands on experience, I have compiled a list of costs and considerations involved in settling later than earlier using attorneys instead of a mediator.

Attorney fees: Retainer $5,000-$10,000 (used within first two months) If the average divorce in California takes approximately 2-3 years, the actual cost of attorneys (at $7,500 every 2 months) is $45,000 and that is just for the first year. If we assume the attorneys will not exceed the $3,750 every month (or the $7,500 every two months) which they usually will, then a person is looking at spending $90,000 in 2 years for what should have been a simple divorce. The monthly calculations are based on an attorney or their five associates who do the same work and charge the client double, charging $300 an hour. This means that the attorney only needs to bill you 12-13 hours a month to reach the $3,750 cost and then ask you for more money.

This cost excludes court appearances which usually cost at least 3 hours of time for travel and appearances. It doesn’t matter if they go to court for a simple continuance that takes 15 minutes. If they are at court for longer than three hours, the client will usually get billed for whatever extra time they spend, rounding up of course to the nearest hour. Side note: Usually, attorneys are already at court and they just have to walk to a different court room to do a continuance…that still costs 3 hours of a client’s money. In fact, it usually costs 3 hours of a few client’s money…If you add up $300 an hour and multiply it by 3 (minimum time charged for court) and then multiply that by 4 clients who have appearances that day, an attorney is making $3,600 a day to be at court for three hours. We aren’t even going to get into what is being billed to the client’s account back at the office where the other attorneys, paralegals, and assistants are “working the case.”

For more reasons to consider mediation, continue reading the article here at www.redefiningdivorce.com.

Divorce Without Shame

2010-10-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Divorce Without Shame
If there were no shame in divorce, would there be mayhem?
By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

(article courtesy of Psychology Today)

In our modern American culture, divorce is still seen as a negative life event - even taboo. Despite its fairly common occurrence, divorce isn't supposed to happen. It is considered a failure by many.

For the divorcing people, it is often not only sad, hurtful and scary, but the added element of shame can be debilitating.

Although it can be subtle (or not), the attitudes and actions of friends, family and acquaintances in reaction to hearing of the split can leave "dissolutioners" feeling isolated, marginalized and rejected. Some have described the sense that others stayed away as if they had a contagious disease - in fact, a study came out recently stating that indeed divorce is contagious!

See my previous article on this study:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201007/is-divorce-contagious-what-study-doesnt-tell-us

Everything we are taught about marriage is that it should never end - it is "'til death do you part. Period.

Naturally, the response of many a divorcing man or woman to this credo is to feel that, not only have they done something wrong, but that they are deeply flawed. This is the very definition of shame.

Read the rest of Susan Pease Gadoua's article here.

Creating a Satisfying Life

2010-10-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Creating a Satisfying Life
By: Jeffery Cottrill

(article courtesy of californiadivorce.info)

Contrary to what you might believe, personal happiness is not dependent on life dealing you a good hand. How you respond to what comes your way will largely determine whether your life is fulfilling or not; here's how to move from dissatisfaction to real satisfaction.

The breakdown of a marriage is one of the most traumatic things that can happen in your life. Divorce can cause profound feelings of loss, failure, regret, abandonment, emptiness, fear of the future, and/or powerlessness -- especially if you didn't initiate the split.

There's no quick fix to your anger and grief, but there is a journey toward a more satisfying and fulfilling life that you can start right now. The transition from despair to satisfaction starts with your determination not to be a victim of your circumstances; happiness doesn't depend so much on what happens to you, but on how you deal with what happens to you. Change your way of thinking: decide that you're not going to let divorce take control of your life and you'll be taking the first step towards recovery. If you are determined to wallow in defeat and sorrow, then the divorce has already won.

Feel The Pain, Then Let It Go

"Allow yourself to grieve," advises Chet Mirman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who co-directs The Center for Divorce Recovery in Northbrook, IL. "You need to recognize that divorce is a loss. In the case of a death, society has rituals to encourage people to grieve; we have no such rituals with divorce. Many people don't realize that the end of a marriage is a psychological equivalent to death."

And denying that you're in pain won't work, either. "Suppose I have a wall in my house that's all scarred with paint peeling," says Russell Friedman, executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute in California. "If I want to redo it and paint it over, do I just slop the paint over the cracks? Of course not: I have to strip the wall down and sand the old paint off before painting with a new coat. In order to participate in life fully, you have to strip down the damaged wall -- regardless of whose fault the damage is -- down to the heart of the matter. Covering up your pain never has a positive conclusion; unresolved grief makes you make bad decisions."

Read the rest of Jeffery Cottrill's article here.

10 Things Your Mother Never Told Your About Divorce

2010-10-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

10 Things Your Mother Never Told Your About Divorce
Courtesy of www.californiadivorce.info
By: Vicki Lansky

The Voice of Experience
For anyone who hasn't been divorced, trust me— divorce is never what you imagine it to be. Here are a few insights that may hopefully save you a trip to court— or at the very least, give you some idea of what may lie ahead.

I know the 10 things listed here might not apply to everybody (there's always going to be the exception to the rule) but it covers most of us.

1. It Takes Longer To Get Your Divorce Behind Than You Think. Or Can Allow Yourself To Believe.
I thought I had it together after a year. Then I thought I had it together after 3 years. Then I was impressed when I could say I had been divorced 5 years. Then I was devastated that I could be brought to tears in seconds after 8 years when something inappropriate— I thought— was said to me. I guess it's always "there" but fortunately with each passing year it feels longer ago, less important and more comfortable but unlike your child's owies, it's never quite all gone. As that old saying goes, marriage may not be forever, but divorce is.

2. Going Through Divorce Is A Physical Experience.
This one took me by surprise. My body seemed to experience a death defying whirlpool. I hate speed, roller coasters and the feeling of one's stomach dropping when on a turbulent airplane ride. But I can remember having all those feelings— simultaneously— while just sitting in a chair after we separated. Yuck! Fortunately this usually passes in 3 to 9 months. Shorter than than #1 but not short enough!

3. It Never Works Out According To Plan — Yours, That Is!
And even when it does, it's only for a short time. Life after divorce is always changing and you won't have a lot of control over those changes. We often get hopelessly caught up in parenting plans when we first separate, and— while that is important— it doesn't usually prepare you for the on-going changes and negotiations that go on for years— changes that you don't always like but learn to live with.

There is the on going trade-off of which battles will catch your children in the middle and when one must learn to lose a battle to win the war— or should I say the peace— the peace of mind your children need. Life takes twists and turns that will never be in the "plan" so you must learn to go with the flow or be hopelessly mired in your own anger or disappointments.

4. Parental Time (aka custody) And Shared Financial Responsibility (aka child support) Are NOT Tied Together
Though they might be tied together in the eyes of your mother or your mother-in-law, these are two separate issues. When you confuse them or make them cause-and-effect items, you do a squeeze on your kids.

It seems like such a natural ("if he doesn't pay support on time, well then the kids just won't be ready on time or at all" or "I'll be damned if I'm going to send a check this month if she and her honey are going on a ski trip: a) with the kids (that's not what I'm sending support for and I'll not see them this weekend like I was supposed to) or b) without the kids (she's away and I have all these extra food bills this week with the kids here) but this is not a life situation where each month comes to an EVEN tally. EVEN it never is. Equitable is the best you can hope for. Marriage isn't EVEN so divorce sure ain't gonna be.

Read the rest of the 10 Things Your Mother Never Told Your About Divorce here.

Divorce Insurance Has Finally Arrived

2010-09-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

This article is courtesy of Psychology Today.

Divorce Insurance Has Finally Arrived
Should couples make it part of their "Divorce Preparedness Plan?"
By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

Ten years ago, when I was first starting to work with divorcing people, I had an idea that I thought would make divorce just a little bit less devastating - at least on a couple's bank account. The idea was part of my "divorce preparedness plan" and it was to have what I called, "marital insurance."

Being a therapist, I couldn't exactly implement this idea but it has always bothered me that divorcing couples often have to come up with outrageous sums of money that they rarely have as a liquid asset in order to dissolve their marriage and end this legal contract.

I've seen people have to cash in on retirement accounts, kid's college funds, savings accounts, and liquidate any assets that they can simply to pay for attorneys' fees.

According to Forbes.com, the average amount a couple pays for a divorce is $15K to $30. That's quite a lot of cash for people to have to come up with at a time when they are about to have to live on less money.

We face few other potential hazards that do not offer insurance: we have liability insurance, disability insurance, malpractice insurance, fire, flood and earthquake insurance; we have accident, illnesses and even life insurance; we have insurance for our pets and our possessions, and even wedding insurance but we have had no safety net to fall into if the marriage doesn't work out.

Read the rest of the article here, which includes links to the company that is offering divorce insurance, should you be interested.

10 Misconceptions About Divorce Mediation

2010-09-21T08:33:00.000-07:00

10 Misconceptions About Divorce Mediation

Mediation is the sensible alternative to litigation particularly when people are divorcing. When you think about divorce, you immediately think of lawyers, courts, judges, and litigation, not to mention expense and aggravation. People are not as familiar with mediation and often have erroneous notions about what the process of divorce mediation is all about.

The following are some of the common misconceptions about divorce mediation:

1. My spouse and I cannot be civil to one another; we argue all of the time. I thought that for mediation to work the couple must be on amicable terms.

This is not true. Mediators are trained to deal with volatile situations. Take a look at labor negotiations or negotiations in the middle east. Alternative: Divorce Mediation uses a clinical psychologist and family law attorney team when mediating a divorce. Their combined skills in dealing with difficult situations can reduce the acrimony and even help couples to learn the skills necessary for successful negotiations.

2. I won't need an attorney if I decide to mediate.

This is false. In fact, we urge couples seeking a divorce to have an attorney as a consultant to give legal advice and to go over documents prepared by the mediators. While the Deborah Vaupen of Alternatives is an attorney, she will assure each party that their best interests are being safeguarded.

3. I heard that in mediation I would have to pay a large sum of money up front just to get started.

Alternatives: Divorce Mediation does not require any up front fees or retainers to begin a mediation. fees are paid by the hour at the end of each mediation session. In this way, you know exactly how much time is being spent and for what you are being charged. You can choose to increase or decrease the time spent depending on your goals and budget.

4. I am afraid that I will have to compromise too much and will not get everything I want.

The mediators are trained to focus on the same issues that would be examined by the court: spousal support, asset distribution, child custody, property settlement, and parenting plans. With the help of the mediators, the couple decides on what is fair; the mediators serve to assure that there will be an equitable balance in all agreements.

5. Since children get hurt by my divorce no matter what, it won't matter whether I decide to mediate or litigate my divorce.

This is incorrect. By its very nature, litigation is an adversary process. Thus it promotes a climate of tension and acrimony. Mediation, on the other hand, promotes a climate of cooperation. The mediators are continuously keeping in mind the emotional, psychological, and financial interests of the children. Since parents will remain parents after a divorce, it is in the best interest of the children for them to learn how to negotiate for the future.

Read the other 5 misconceptions about divorce mediation here.

How Long Does "Typical" Divorce Recovery Take?

2010-09-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

This article comes courtesy of Psychology Today.

How Long Does "Typical" Divorce Recovery Take?
If you're not moving beyond your divorce, you may be doing something wrong.
By: Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW

One of the most common questions newly divorcing people have for me is, "how long will it take before I'm over this divorce ordeal?

My answer is always the same: "How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and on and on.

I liken the undoing of a marriage to trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways.

Read the rest of the article here, which includes the top 10 do's/don'ts for divorce recovery.

Emotional Stages of a Divorce, Part III

2010-09-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

The final two stages of a divorce are Depression and Acceptance. To see a description of all the stages, please refer to my two previous blogs entitled: Emotional Stages of a Divorce, Part I and Part II.

Depression Pain: With divorce, this is usually more severe than with the death of a loved one. Maybe during the anger stage we were able to blame all our hurt on them, but since the bargaining phase we've begun to realize we had a hand in it. Make sure you have a close friend who will keep an eye on you when you're going through the depression part of divorce. They will force you to do what you don't want to do...everything.

Acceptance and Recovery: Finally! It could take 2 years or longer to get here. In most divorces, you understand you and your spouse could have done things differently. We learn from the things you've discovered about yourself and accept the things you've discovered about them. You realize there will always be a place in your heart where you miss how things might have been, but that is no longer the focus of your life. You're even able to consider the risk of another relationship, equipped with all you've learned from that one.The longer the marriage, the longer and harder the journey to acceptance. Everyone needs help to get to the end, where one can look back with acceptance and ahead with optimism. In between, there is a lot of pain and anger. But, in time, the pain and anger will subside and you will be able to move forward.

And remember, it's okay to let yourself feel pain...Sometimes until you feel it and acknowledge it, it won't go away.

Emotional Stages of a Divorce, Part II

2010-08-31T08:14:00.000-07:00

It is often said that divorce is the most painful kind of grief because the person you lost is still around. You have all the same emotions as if your spouse has died...but they haven't...they're just not with you any more. Somehow that seems to make it more cruel. Divorce, like grief, creates emotions of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance just like any other major loss. My last blog discussed the "denial" stage of a divorce. Below, is a recap of that stage and a further exploration of the "anger" and "bargaining" stages. Next week, I will discuss the stages of "Depression," "Acceptance," and "Recovery."

Denial
Everyone who grieves goes through some amount of denial, even those whose loved one dies. For divorce, the denial seems more reasonable. After all, they're just across town...it's just temporary...they'll get over it. With many forms of grief, denial is a very short experience, but with divorce, the denial can go on for months...even years...some never get out of it. They sadly wait the rest of their lives for their love to return.

Anger
Just as the denial of divorce is often longer, the anger in divorce is usually far stronger than if your spouse had died. This is because they aren't dead! Either they abandoned you or created the conditions where you had to leave them...either way, it was their action that seems responsible for your pain and loss. The stronger the anger is, the more it chains you to your pain and suffering. I have met with some who refuse to release their anger even years after they were hurt. It really doesn't matter how justified our anger is, the person it's hurting is us. No matter what it takes, we have to find a way to move past the anger, put it behind us and move on.

Bargaining
This is a lot like denial, except, in bargaining, you try to believe there are things you can do to get your spouse back. 'If I just say I'm sorry for the thousandth time, they will take me back.' 'If I can convince them I've changed, they'll leave their new partner and come back to me.' If your spouse had died, bargaining is usually just a reflection on how it might have been different. Since your spouse is still alive, bargaining is actually possible. Every time your mind hit upon a new tactic, you're on the phone or at their door, trying to get back. In fact, if someone won't move out of the divorce bargaining stage, it can become stalking and lead to restraining orders or jail. There has to be a point where you let go.

Emotional Stages of a Divorce, Part I

2010-08-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have been honored to work with some great couples who have taught me a great deal about the emotional aspects of going through a divorce. I have attempted to recapture some of their suggestions in this blog. These are their words, I am merely the scriviner.

Going through a divorce (or any breakup really) is like experiencing a death. You progress through all the stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

So, let's think about Denial...and Isolation...
The first stage of healing after a relationship break-up normally finds you wanting to go into some kind of exile. No matter how bad the relationship was when he or she is finally gone you are devastated. You are living in your own private hell and don’t feel like getting out of bed, let alone leaving the house. The thought of taking out the garbage is overwhelming. Thank god for anything that can be delivered. Here are some tips to help you survive:

Dark sunglasses: your new best friend.You WILL cry – A LOT. So, your number one purchase should be a pair of very dark sunglasses. Live in them. Feel like an exotic and wounded creature that needs protection from the bright lights of reality. It’s really ok. You will cry all the time and that too will pass. At some point you’ll realize there’s a world around you that you love, people who care, maybe even a future. But not so fast...

Don’t make ANY big decisions. In exile you feel so alone and vulnerable. You can’t sleep for longer than a few hours and you are still fantasizing about re-uniting with your ex (even if you won’t admit it). My advice is not to make decisions and to not expect any concentration or clarity of mind. A friend once advised me that this is the time to firmly put the oxygen mask on and to breathe. Don’t take it off to help anyone else until you are feeling stronger yourself.

Put future plans on hold.Try not to make commitments and do NOT (I repeat do NOT) buy tickets to future events. YOU WON’T GO. Trust me on this. I booked massage sessions, concert tickets, trips, promised participation, engagement. You are living in the moment, and you tend to become a complete and total hermit. The concept of social isolation comes into vivid focus and you just don't care. This is particularly hard when you have well meaning (bouncy) girlfriends or "just get over her by..." guy friends who are NOT in the same space and think that therapeutic shopping, dancing, drinking, or strip clubs is the best therapy. Well meaning, but so so wrong. Dont bother with online dating services either, you need to feel these emotions to get over him/her. Rebounding will not permanently fix the emotional disaster within you mind and heart.

Important safety tips.Try not to start smoking or eating excessively if you can help it. Avoid drinking excessively – you will just feel worse. As a general rule, refuse to indulge in any addictions because trust me you’ll have absolutely no self control to quit!!

The bottom line is to see denial and self imposed isolation as a temporary but essential phase on the road to recovery and reinvention. The secret for me was to not get frustrated with the slow pace of self awareness and to value and accept the set backs. Things just don't move in a predictable way and the sooner you can relax into that you can move on to the fun part of screaming and yelling!

For More Couples, Divorce Can be on Friendly Terms

2010-08-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

The following is an article from USAtoday.com.

For more couples, divorce can be on friendly terms
By Karina Bland, The Arizona Republic

PHOENIX — When John Jarvis visits his 13-year-old daughter, he stays in the guest room of his ex-wife's house. Bob Murphy of Chandler, Ariz., offered his ex-wife a key to his house when they divorced earlier this year after 26 years of marriage.

Some of today's divorcing couples, who may have witnessed some wretched family separations, are vowing to do it differently. Even if their own parents didn't divorce, many kids saw how hard it was on their friends.

So more couples are opting for a friendly divorce, whether through mediation, collaboration or even do-it-yourself kits. And the majority of couples choosing friendly divorces are those with children.

However they do it, they want the process to be more amicable. In the end, they save time, money and increase the odds that they might actually still be friends. And the kids are the biggest beneficiaries.

This new kind of divorced mom and dad might attend parent-teacher conferences together, work jointly to get one kid to Little League and the other to piano lessons — even if it's not technically their visitation day — and share calendars electronically so Dad can arrange to take the kids when mom's out of town on business.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

The Hallmarks of a Healthy Relationship

2010-08-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

The following is from eharmony.com.

The Hallmarks of a Healthy Relationship
Wonder what it takes to make a romantic relationship flourish? Read on.

Remember the last time you took your car in for a diagnostic check-up? Maybe your vehicle was making a strange noise, or perhaps it was for routine maintenance. The mechanic attached wires to the engine, stuck a gauge in the exhaust pipe, hoisted the vehicle on the hydraulic rack to inspect the undercarriage, and so on. The verdict: a few quick adjustments, and you’re good to go. Come back in another 10,000 miles.

Ah, if healthy relationships were just that easy! But of course human beings—with all their emotions, blind spots, and baggage—are far more complex and complicated than even the most electronically equipped, computer-controlled automobile. Consider this a diagnostic check-up to determine if your current (or future) relationship is running smoothly and built to last.

Healthy Relationship Indicator #1: The Foundation Is Made of Mutual Respect.

Some sage once said, “You can’t love someone you don’t respect.” We could amend that to say, “You can’t maintain a happy, long-term relationship with someone you don’t respect and/or who doesn’t respect you.” Mutual respect is at the very core of enduring relationships. It confers dignity, honor, and high worth to the recipient. In contrast, lack of respect leads to all kinds of relational ills—putdowns, dishonesty, cheating—which are sure to sink a relationship eventually.

Healthy Relationship Indicator #2: Both Individuals Attend to Their Emotional Health.

The degree of durability and well-being in a romantic partnership is directly related to the emotional health of each person involved. For instance, it’s estimated that 75 to 80 percent of all marriages that eventually end in divorce or separation have at least one partner who suffers from a deficiency in this area. Usually, issues had plagued them for years, long before they got married. It’s a fact that no relationship can ever be healthier than the emotional health of the least healthy partner.

Healthy Relationship Indicator #3: Trust Is Nurtured and Protected.

Love and trust are as tightly intertwined as strands on a rope. When trust is broken, love is diminished and damaged. But when trust is diligently maintained, love grows stronger and stronger. Trustworthy partners know that every investment they make in the relationship will pay dividends.

Click here to read 4 more Healthy Relationship Indicators from eharmony.com.

Children & Divorce: The Promise of Mediation

2010-08-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

Children & Divorce: The Promise of Mediation
(provided by Julie Denny, Resolutions)

"Tell your father if he doesn't send the check, I don't know what I'll do."

"Your mother is just trying to turn you against me."

Such is the sort of dialogue children caught in the middle of a divorce frequently hear from one or both of their parents. Too often, children fall victim in our adversarial divorce system.

This doesn't have to happen.

Furthermore, husbands and wives who have determined, for whatever reason, to separate don't have to become mortal enemies. There is another way.

Mediation provides a confidential, non-adversarial process where divorcing spouses can negotiate their own settlement with the aid of an impartial third party mediator.

This doesn't mean there isn't conflict between divorcing spouses. Of course there is. But in mediation, the couple works together with one mediator to create a fair, equitable settlement.

In the adversarial process, spouses are intentionally pitted against one another, each trying to get the best possible deal for him or herself. In such a tug of war, children inevitably get caught and pay a high emotional price. Further, the couple's assets can be significantly diminished as the process drags on.

Mediation saves time because both spouses are working together at the same time with one professional. It reduces costs thus preserving assets because both spouses share the cost of that single professional.

It allows the couple to retain control of the negotiation process, while the mediator makes negotiations less difficult by creating a safe, confidential environment and serving as a buffer as the couple works through difficult issues.

Read the rest of the article here.

Taking Divorce Day-by-Day

2010-07-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

Divorce is like a tornado—ripping through your life, threatening to destroy everything in its path. The emotional whirlwinds bring fear, confusion, and despair, affecting you, your children, family members, and friends. You will likely wonder Why did this storm hit my life and why does it hurt so much?

Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "The reality is that divorce is the most painful thing you can go through because it impacts so much of your life. There's no way around or easy way out. And everybody is looking for a painless way out of this whole situation."

It is easier to clean up the physical damage of a tornado than the emotional damage caused by divorce.

"I hated life," says Ginny. "I woke up every morning, and I absolutely hated it. I hated the pain that I woke up with and the pain that I went to sleep with."

You may wish you could get through the pain quicker, but healing is a process, a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process. In order to experience any level of recovery, you must see it through. There are no shortcuts. But take heart, in the coming days and weeks you will see it is possible to heal and to look to the future with hope.

Very Interesting Study on Separation and Divorce

2010-07-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

Below is an article that was published in November, 2009 from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center.

Men leave: Separation and Divorce Far More Common When the Wife is the Patient

SEATTLE – A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.

The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient.

"Female gender was the strongest predictor of separation or divorce in each of the patient groups we studied," said Marc Chamberlain, M.D., a co-corresponding author and director of the neuro-oncology program at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA). Chamberlain is also a professor of neurology and neurosurgery at the University of Washington School of Medicine.

Read the rest of the article at Science Daily.

Free Divorce Recovery Workshop

2010-07-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Below are the details for a free workshop, titled Divorce Recovery, on July 26th in Fullerton, CA.

"Divorce is one of the most common…and most devastating experiences in life. You are not alone and recovery is within reach. Let us help you get back on your feet stronger, healthier, and happier. Quick, powerful, effective tips will help you move forward in your recovery.

Come join us for support and an opportunity to begin the healing process. Get inspired to regain your life and find new direction."

Presenters:
Ashley Arn, M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist Intern (#57906)
Michael Arn, M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist Intern (#58087)
Supervised By: Cathy Ballenger, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC 39091)

Date: Monday, July 26, 2010
Location: 2113 East Chapman Ave., Fullerton, 92821
Time: 6:30-7:30pm
Contact: (714) 773-7271, ext. 2

Registration: http://www.fullertonseminars.com
Registration is REQUIRED due to limited space.

Illumination Foundation Event, July 17th

2010-07-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

Redefining Divorce is helping sponsor the Illumination Foundation's 3rd Annual Racing for Homeless Families on July 17th, 2010 at the Los Alamitos Race Course in Cypress, CA. Proceeds from this event go directly to the Illumination Foundation to support and help break the cycle of homelessness in Orange County.

Here are the details:

Saturday, July 17th, 5pm
Los Alamitos Race Course
4961 Katella Avenue
Cypress, CA 90720

Tickets: $300 per Couple or $200 per Person

Festivities include: Cocktails, silent auction, luxury raffle items and more.

For more information about the event, visit Illumination Foundation.
Email: info@ifhomeless.org
Phone: 949-273-0555

Look for the Best, Not the Worst

2010-07-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Look for the Best, Not the Worst
(provided by: Jody Blackley, MFT, Counseling: How It Can Be Helpful)

It's extremely easy to look for the worst in people, especially when they've hurt you. Once that hurt occurs, you begin to seek out anything to prove to yourself that you can trust your partner. Ironically, a phenomenon occurs where you actually hone in on the negative almost as a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt again. However, by honing in on the negative, you A) begin to focus only on the negative and B) you overlook the positive in your partner. This results in ongoing hurt and distrust, as well as the "always/never" syndrome ("You always/never do....").

A better strategy to prevent yourself from getting caught up into this rut, notice when your partner engages in a behavior that hurts you. Rather than automatically going to the place of believing they want to hurt you, take a step back and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Let them know, calmly, the hurt your feeling when they engage in a certain way and ask they do not do it again. Then, reflect silently on a positive trait about your partner that demonstrates the bond and trust between you. By recognizing the offensive act as what it is and not generalizing it to the rest of your relationship, you can isolate the pain to the incident and keep the trust in tact.

The Emotional Divorce

2010-06-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Below is an article I wrote for @HomeIN Magazine that will be published in August!

The Emotional Divorce

The emotional struggles people face when deciding to divorce are much greater than the legal or financial struggles. When parties hire attorneys for the dissolution (divorce) process, chances are they don’t address their emotional needs. This translates into the individuals getting stuck emotionally, struggling to find adequate partners in the future, and in some cases, challenges in co-parenting. A person’s refusal or inability to face the emotional trauma of ending a marriage may account for the high remarriage rate. These remarriages usually occur within one to two years after the first marriage ends. Avoiding these emotions likely contributes to the even higher divorce rate of second and third marriages. If a person has not faced their emotional turmoil during the initial divorce process, they are more prone to transfer these emotions onto the next partner, in turn sabotaging the success of the subsequent marriage.

At Redefining Divorce, we urge the couple to face the emotional aspects of their divorce. This is done by providing therapy either individually or as a couple. Should the parties agree, the mediator and the therapist discuss the clients’ concerns expressed in the mediation and/or therapy sessions to streamline negotiations. The open communication between the therapist and the mediator also allows the mediator to better understand any emotional attachments individuals may have to property so that appropriate settlements can be reached. After all, it’s the emotional issues that prolong the legal divorce and create irrational financial demands.

The idea behind this therapeutic approach is to establish comprehensive support for the couple. Even after the divorce is final, the therapists, mediator, and any other team members from Redefining Divorce remain accessible to either party. We want to make sure the couple gets through not only the legal divorce, but the emotional divorce. In mediation, the legal divorce generally takes a few months if cooperation and compromise exist. However, the emotional divorce takes longer. Successfully navigating the emotional divorce helps each person better prepare for the next relationship and more effectively co-parent their youngsters.

For further information about Redefining Divorce, The Amicable Way, please visit our website or call us.

Can You Have a Mediated Divorce If You Are Angry At Your Spouse?

2010-06-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Can You Have a Mediated Divorce If You Are Angry At Your Spouse?
(provided by Rachel Fishman Green, Esq.)

Anger is a normal feeling to have during a divorce. In fact, if you didn't feel angry there would probably be something very wrong. Usually, one person has been unhappy for a period of time preceding the divorce, and was angry during this time. When that person tells the other that he or she has decided to leave the marriage, the other is in shock and has to deal with lots of emotions - sorrow, fear and certainly anger.

Whether you are the angry one or are dealing with an angry (ex) spouse, it's never easy. Anger often builds up without your knowing it - and if you are not aware of feeling angry, the anger will cause you (or your spouse) to lash out.

Anger can be expressed in mediation and in fact, it is a valuable tool for a mediator to use to not only resolve the divorce, but also to help shape a better divorce agreement. In mediation anger is a clue that there is an important piece of information which has not yet been expressed, and which must be explored and understood. Anger tells me that someone has important needs which are not being met. When someone is angry I want to hear how they are feeling and I want to understand why they are angry. In mediation, anger gives us a key to use to shape a divorce agreement.

Read the rest of the article here.

The ABCs of Divorce Communication

2010-06-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

The ABCs of Divorce Communication
(provided by Dana Schutz, MA, LMFT and Irving Zaroff, JD, LMFT)

While attitude is the key factor in all relationships breakdown in communication is the part that is visible. Take a divorcing or divorced couple, add intense emotion, a pinch of sensitive issues and you may have the proverbial pot boiling over. Here are some basic tools to smooth the way:

A. For the person wanting to communicate: (1) Make your intention clear (i.e., "I want to talk to you about plans for this Saturday ..."). This may deflect the listener who is used to reading between the lines for an agenda or the "true" meaning. (2) Be specific. And accurate! This can limit options for de-railing the conversation. (3) Be kind (or at least "civil") and keep your focus on your message. A tone or attitude can bury the information that you want heard.

B. For the listener: (1) Give the speaker your full attention. Important information can be missed due to poor listening and/or distractions and can end up pushing buttons that close off communication. (2) Don't interrupt. If you start answering before the message is delivered, communication has just turned into a power struggle. You will have your chance to respond and should expect your message will be heard as well. (3) Use questions to make sure you understand what is being said. Mind reading can be destructive - and incorrect. Make a summary statement of what you heard if you are unsure of the intent. In this way communication can be self-correcting. If you do understand, let the other person know.

C. For the overall process: When the communication is about a "problem," the process can be even more challenging. (1) Remember; if you are bring up the problem, OWN IT! If it wasn't your problem, you wouldn't be bringing it up. (2) Avoid blaming. Often your partner or ex-partner may be used to putting up defenses (based on history). Try to define the problem clearly before offering solutions. People are generally more cooperative when the problem-solving is a joint effort. (3) Avoid the use of "never" and "always" because they tend to convey an accusation - watch how fast the walls will go up.

Listening is not the same as agreeing. By providing plenty of space for the other person to say what they need does not send a message of "giving in" or "conceding." Listening is the beginning of a conversation that can actually lead to productive result. Communication is a shared responsibility. If one person does their part in earnest, the other is encouraged to do the same.

Social Networking Sites will Spill your Secret!

2010-06-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

With the ever-growing popularity of social networking sites, I wanted to invite you to revisit an earlier post of mine. It features an article that ran in Time Magazine regarding how social networking sites can cause even more damage during a divorce.

Divorce and Facebook: Be Careful What You Post

Article provided by Esp, Kreuzer, Cores & McLaughlin, stated that Social networking sites have become some of the most popular places on the Internet, but people are discovering — sometimes too late — that what they post online can be extremely damaging in a divorce.

Time magazine recently ran an article about a couple whose divorce spilled into the online world of Facebook. Husband Patrick told wife Tammie that he wanted a divorce. She began contacting women Patrick had become Facebook friends with, making sure they knew he was married with children — a fact he had neglected to mention in his profile.

According to Time, lawyers find Facebook, MySpace and other social networking sites to be “evidentiary goldmines,” often filled with incriminating photos, comments, confessions and links to new significant others...

Read the rest of the article here.

Mediation FAQs

2010-06-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

Here are some frequently asked questions regarding mediation. For additional information, visit my blog post on mediation, as well as my website RedefiningDivorce.com.

Why should I consider mediation for my divorce?
Mediation allows separating and divorcing couples to be in control of their future and creates an environment that helps them make decisions that both parties can agree upon. It is particularly helpful for parents who will need to continue making joint decisions about their children well into the future.The mediation process can also serve as a foundation for discussing and making future decisions. Also,the compliance rate for mediated settlements is significantly higher since both parties have come to an agreement together.

What does the mediator do?
The family law mediator acts as a neutral party with special training to assist couples in resolving issues and developing an agreement they can both live with in the future. Facilitating communication and providing each party with uninterrupted speaking time is a key part of the mediator's role, as well as asking questions to assure each party's needs and desires are clearly stated. The mediator also provides professional information about the legal system, including alternative options for solving issues.

How does the process work?
The couple and the mediator plan out and meet in a series of mediation sessions, usually 1 - 2 hours long.

In the first meeting, issues are identified and important information is noted for later discussions. Afterwards, the couple gathers all relevant financial and other data required.

During further meetings, discussions continue about how to compromise on the various issues in a way that meets the needs of both the husband and the wife. The mediator will not provide legal advice because they are required to stay neutral however they will provide common resolution methods that are available to the couple.

When an agreement has been reached on all issues, the mediator will draft a document for review by each party and their attorneys, if any.

How do the court papers get filed?
After the completed documents have been reviewed and approved by both parties, the mediator sends the documents to court.

Will we have to appear in court?
No. Court appearances are not required by either party.

How long does mediation take?
The length of the mediation depends upon the complexity of the issues and the willingness of the individuals to compromise and negotiate a fair agreement. While each case is different, the average case usually takes at least three to four two-hour mediation sessions, spread out over at least a month or two. It can take up to six months for complex cases.

Is mediation cheaper than using lawyers to settle a divorce?
Many lawyers charge retainer fees starting at $5,000 for average cases, and they bill the client for services in addition to the time covered by the retainer. So the cost of mediation from beginning to end can be less than the combined retainer fees ($10,000+) would be if the parties hired lawyers to handle the divorce.

Typical divorce costs can run two to ten times higher than the mediation cost. Also, keep in mind that divorce includes both financial and emotional costs for both of the parties as well as any children involved. The mediation process can greatly reduce the emotional cost.

Will our agreement be enforceable?
Once an agreement has been signed, that agreement is legally enforceable. A judgment based upon the agreement will also be prepared and filed with the court after the agreement has been reached. This judgment is equal to any other divorce judgment a family law attorney would file.

Should I see a lawyer during mediation?
The mediator cannot give either party legal advice, as the goal is to remain a neutral third party. Both the husband and wife are encouraged to obtain independent legal advice during the mediation process. Each party’s attorney should also review the agreement before it is signed.

What if my case is too complicated for mediation?
No case is too complicated to be settled in the mediation process. With the use of outside expert consulting for financial issues and legal matters, a clear and fair solution can be reached in any situation.

How is mediation confidential?
As determined by state law, nothing that is said in mediation can be entered as evidence in court. In the same way that negotiations between parties and their attorneys cannot be disclosed, mediation sessions are also completely confidential.

What if we can’t agree on all issues?
Most of the time, an agreement can be reached on all issues in a case. If a few issues remain unresolved, an agreement can still be prepared on all the settled issues. Then the parties can either take more time to consider the issues and return to mediation at a later date, or the issues can be resolved through litigation.

We don’t get along well. How can we possibly mediate?
Many couples that are very emotional about the divorce are concerned about negotiating face to face. However, mediators are trained to assist with people who have high emotions and stress levels. The mediation process is extremely effective in helping couples reach an agreement without adding to the emotional and financial cost of divorce.

AAMFT Presentation, June 4th

2010-05-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

I will be speaking at AAMFT – CA Orange County Networking on Friday, June 4, 2010, 8:30am-11:30am at Pepperdine University—Irvine Campus. This presentation will focus on how Family Law Mediators and Marriage and Family Therapists can work together to help couples either reconcile or begin their separate journeys by providing empathy, understanding, and guidance.

2 CEUs
$25 AAMFT Members
$35 Non-members

AAMFTCA PCE 91. Course meets qualifications for 2 hours of continuing education credit for MFTs and/or LCSWs as required by the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. Refund Policy: Registrants who do not attend or fail to cancel registration one week prior to scheduled event will be charged full fee. A $20 charge will be applied to denied credit cards charges.

AAMFT—CA Division
Olivia Loewy, Ph.D.
PO Box 6907
Santa Barbara, CA 93160
(805) 681-1413

For more information contact:
Wendy Buchholz, wendy.buchholz@cox.net
Mark Buchholz, mbuchholz@alliant.edu
Lori Breeden-Gomez, loribreedenmft@yahoo.com

Family Code Section 3044- Domestic Violence

2010-05-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

Under a recently-enacted state law (Family Code Section 3044) the state has enacted a new policy regarding custody and domestic violence. Under the law, if the court finds a party to have been a perpetrator of Domestic Violence within the past 5 years there is a very strong presumption that the perpetrator should not share Physical or Legal Custody with the victim-parent. Thus, if the court finds that you have committed Domestic violence within the past 5 years, there is a rebuttable presumption to be proven by a preponderance of evidence that neither physical or legal custody should be granted to the perpetrator meaning that the victim of the violence will obtain sole physical and sole legal custody.

It may be possible to rebut the presumption under certain limited circumstances, but in practice it may be hard to convince a judge that the presumption should not apply. These are the factors that the court is supposed to consider the following factors:
Is it in the best interests of the child;
Did the perpetrator successfully complete a Batterers treatment program?;
Did the perpetrator complete an Alcohol or drug abuse counseling program?;
Did the perpetrator complete a Parenting class;
Did the perpetrator comply with the restraining orders;
Are there further incidents of Domestic Violence?
However, if both parents are perpetrators of domestic violence the statute does not apply. This law clearly raises the stakes in custody cases where domestic violence is alleged. While the law affords significant protections to victims of violence, If you are accused of domestic violence you need to seriously consider fighting the allegations if you wish to obtain joint custody. If you are a victim of domestic violence you are virtually assured to obtain a sole custody order if you can prove the incident of domestic violence.

There are some other implications to domestic violence restraining orders. This year the legislature also amended the law to allow the court to permit clandestine tape recording of conversations with the domestic violence perpetrator. The Court must make an order to allow tape recording, otherwise it is ILLEGAL. Furthermore, it is a felony-misdemeanor to continue to possess a firearm after a restraining order is issued.

Thank God It's Over

2010-04-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

Heart & Mind: Children & Divorce
Apr 23, 2010

One Child's Tale of Growing up in a Divorced Home
By Anonymous

I was four when I found out that my parents were getting a divorce, so I don't remember many the events around the divorce. What I do remember was all of their fights, screaming matches, name-calling, door slamming, seeing my mother cry, seeing my father leave for days at a time, and the threats between the two of them whenever they were together.

Now I'm a 28-year-old happily married mother of two children, and it still bothers me to see the two of them together. Both parents remain an active part of my life and my family's life, but when they're together they are like oil and water.

One event that stands sharp in my mind was having them both stay at my house during my daughter's Christening. The weekend started off very civil and cordial. They both were talking to each other and cooing over my daughter. In fact, they even went out to dinner together to catch up on old times.

As the night progressed, my father made some snide and disrespectful comments to my mother, who of course had to retaliate the like. Well one thing led to another, and before the night was through doors were slamming, vocabulary thrown around (which I'm choosing not to repeat), then finally I heard my father say, "IM LEAVING!!!!!!"

Like I said thank god it's over. I could only imagine what my life would have been like had they stayed together "for me".

Domestic Violence and Custody

2010-04-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

Apr 7, 2010

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND CUSTODY

by Aaron Dishon, Esq.

Under a recently-enacted state law (Family Code Section 3044) the state has enacted a new policy regarding custody and domestic violence.

Under the law, if the court finds a party to have been a perpetrator of Domestic Violence within the past 5 years there is a very strong presumption that the perpetrator should not share Physical or Legal Custody with the victim-parent.

Thus, if the court finds that you have committed Domestic violence within the past 5 years, there is a rebuttable presumption to be proven by a preponderance of evidence that neither physical or legal custody should be granted to the perpetrator meaning that the victim of the violence will obtain sole physical and sole legal custody.

It may be possible to rebut the presumption under certain limited circumstances, but in practice it may be hard to convince a judge that the presumption should not apply. These are the factors that the court is supposed to consider the following factors:

Is it in the best interests of the child;
Did the perpetrator successfully complete a Batterers treatment program?;
Did the perpetrator complete an Alcohol or drug abuse counseling program?;
Did the perpetrator complete a Parenting class;
Did the perpetrator comply with the restraining orders;
Are there further incidents of Domestic Violence? However, if both parents are perpetrators of domestic violence the statute does not apply.

This law clearly raises the stakes in custody cases where domestic violence is alleged. While the law affords significant protections to victims of violence, If you are accused of domestic violence you need to seriously consider fighting the allegations if you wish to obtain joint custody. If you are a victim of domestic violence you are virtually assured to obtain a sole custody order if you can prove the incident of domestic violence.

There are some other implications to domestic violence restraining orders. This year the legislature also amended the law to allow the court to permit clandestine tape recording of conversations with the domestic violence perpetrator. The Court must make an order to allow tape recording, otherwise it is ILLEGAL. Furthermore, it is a felony-misdemeanor to continue to possess a firearm after a restraining order is issued.

FOCUS ON FAMILIES: DIVORCE AND ADULTS

2010-03-09T09:34:00.000-08:00

FOCUS ON FAMILIES: DIVORCE AND ADULTS
University of Missouri-Columbia Marni Morgan and Marilyn Coleman Department of Human Development and Family Studies

Although it may be little comfort if you are currently facing divorce, recent estimates indicate that you have lots of company. More than half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce; the majority involve children.

Divorce is one of the most stressful life events a person can experience. This is true regardless of whether you are the person who sought the divorce (the leaver) or the person who was unprepared for divorce (the left).

The spouse who is the leaver often feels heightened remorse and guilt while the left spouse may be unprepared for the marriage to end. The more sudden and unexpected the announcement, the more stressful the initial emotional reaction.

The decision to divorce is typically made with ambivalence, uncertainty and confusion. It is a difficult step. The family identity changes, and the identities of the individuals involved change as well.

For example, if your family identity was one of a close knit group, one that enjoyed sporting events and hobbies together, that identity is going to change. Your personal identity will change in that you will no longer be a husband or wife or married person. If these identities or roles were important to you, you may feel grief from the loss.

Grief over the loss or death of a marriage is somewhat like the grief process described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) in On Death and Dying. That is, you may experience feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance, although there will likely be no order or pattern to your feelings of grief.

For example, you may begin the divorce process with a feeling of acceptance but later find yourself sinking into depression or becoming filled with rage.

Mourning and a sense of loss are common, even if you are the person wanting the divorce. Even if you no longer love your partner, you may still mourn the loss of the dream of living happily ever after.

If you have children, you may grieve because you will see less of them, or you may feel guilty about the changes in their lives that will be caused by the divorce.

Grief is normal, but if the intensity of grieving is too great or the grieving period seems to go on too long, then seeking counseling may be helpful and appropriate. Couples facing divorce soon realize that divorce is not an event with a clear beginning and an end, it is a process. This process often begins long before any legal action and may last for years afterward, especially if children are involved.

According to Paul Bohannan (1970), the divorce process consists of several overlapping stages or experiences:
1. The legal divorce — the dissolution or ending of the marriage by the courts.
2. The emotional divorce — the chain of events and feelings that lead up to and continue through the divorcing process; the emotional separation or disengagement from your partner.
3. The economic divorce — the division of money and property, requiring individuals who once functioned as a couple to learn to function independently.
4. The co-parental divorce — the negotiation of parenting following separation.
5. The community divorce — the changes in relationships with friends and community during divorce.
6. The psychic divorce — the process of separating oneself from the spouse and developing autonomy.

THE LEGAL DIVORCE: The legal purpose of divorce is to allow individuals to legally remarry. The divorce decree has no legal value beyond that. It is not a problem solver, although it often forces the couple and their children to give up hopes of reconciliation and look more realistically at their expectations. It does not end the relationship, except in those cases in which there are no children involved.
The legal divorce typically involves developing a parenting plan, including who the children will live with most of the time and the division of property. The parenting plan will include such things as shared parenting, sometimes called joint custody, which means that the parents will jointly make decisions regarding their children.
This is sometimes confused with joint physical custody, which means the children will divide their time more or less equally between the two parents. Sole custody means that the children live with only one of the parents most of the time, and that parent will make most of the parenting decisions.
Unfortunately, rather than bringing closure, the adversarial process related to legal divorce may cause or increase anger, hurt and bitterness.
It is common to feel out of control and helpless as the attorneys and courts take over some of your decisions. If you wish to have more control over the decisions, make this clear to your lawyer. You also may want to consider using mediation rather than the traditional adversarial approach to dividing your property and developing a parenting plan.
Mediation, a fairly new alternative, is designed to help divorcing couples make decisions together with a trained mediator who may also be a lawyer. The mediator will help you and your ex-spouse learn to negotiate with each other as well as learn to accept your new roles as ex-spouses.
Developing a parenting plan to be presented to your individual lawyers and the judge for approval is a part of mediation.

THE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE: Emotional divorce involves letting go of the feelings involved in the marriage. You may feel that you and your spouse have grown apart, and you may have become disappointed and angry with each other. One or both of you have become aware that the marriage is no longer meeting your needs.
For some, this task is completed long before the legal divorce while others may struggle with emotional issues related to the divorce for years.
Joseph Hopper (1993) studied divorcing couples and found that they described themselves as having been aware of their marital problems for a long time, sometimes for 10 to 20 years. Nonetheless, divorce involves the loss of love and a loved one, and it can be difficult, especially if it creates feelings of rejection.

PREPARING AND PLANNING: When facing divorce, you and your ex-spouse will need to discuss plans for the future, including how you will tell the children, how you will work together as parents, how responsibilities will be divided, and how to inform your family and friends. Bitterness and conflict may arise or worsen as you begin to make plans.

SEPARATING: Like many others experiencing divorce, you may feel a deep loss as you let go of your attachment to your ex-spouse. Separation may also lead to more practical changes. Typically during divorce, one or both spouses will move. You may feel you do not have the time or ability to get everything done because tasks that once may have been shared by two people are now handled only by you. This can be overwhelming. If you have children, you will also have to establish guidelines for sharing time with them and learn ways to share parenting while living apart.

FORMING NEW RELATIONSHIPS: Divorce requires the formation of more flexible and cooperative relationships between ex-spouses. If you have children, you will have to let go of your role as spouse, while maintaining your role as parent. Forming new relationships might also involve the acceptance of your ex-spouse's new relationship and that person's relationship with your children.
Many of the changes during divorce may seem problematic or stressful. Fortunately, most of these problems lessen with time.

THE ECONOMIC DIVORCE: Two households are more expensive to maintain than one, so you may experience a decrease in financial resources after divorce. Because the heaviest financial burden typically falls upon the parent who has physical custody of the child, usually the mother, women are more likely to suffer financial hardships. Mothers are often forced to take on more hours at work, reducing the amount of time available for their children. A change in child care arrangements and more reliance on children to contribute to household duties may also occur.
Divorce may require each former partner to learn new financial skills. If tasks such as organizing and paying taxes, monthly bills and insurance had been handled by your spouse, you will now have to learn to complete them independently.

There are several important things to keep in mind as you deal with the economic changes caused by divorce:
1. Resist involving your children in financial burdens. Worrying about money can be difficult for children at a time when they may be seeking extra support and stability.
2. Figure out your financial needs and available resources. Make a list of money coming in and money going out. Budgets can be powerful tools for easing financial stress.
3. Monitor your expenses, especially in the initial months after divorce.
4. Make plans for improving your financial situation. You may need to seek additional education or training in order to increase your income.
5. Look into retirement plans and insurance policies and make attempts to ensure the security of yourself and your children.
6. Plan for your children's future. Both parents generally are responsible for a child's education. Can you begin setting aside money for this purpose now? It is important to begin an educational savings fund even for young children, if possible.

THE CO-PARENTAL DIVORCE: Most parents are very concerned about the effects divorce will have on their children. Although this concern is important, some evidence indicates that children do better in supportive, single-parent households than in two-parent households with high levels of conflict. Or course, if the divorce does not stop the children's exposure to conflict between their parents, they will likely not do better.
After divorce, you must learn to continue your role as mom or dad while letting go of your role as spouse. This requires you to accept that you can no longer control the actions of your ex-spouse. This can be very difficult.

There are certain tasks that will help you fulfill this role effectively:
1. Avoid criticizing your ex-spouse in front of the children.
2. Do not use your children to send messages to your ex-spouse.
3. Speak directly to your ex-spouse about issues related to the children. Some parents find that scheduling a brief "business" meeting on a regular basis works to keep lines of communication open about the children.
4. Avoid asking your children for information about your ex-spouse.
5. Resist the desire to make your child a confidante. Although it is important that you receive the emotional support you need, being your confidante can be unhealthy for the child. Seek out adult friends, family members, support groups or counselors to fill this role. Separation and divorce result in distinct changes in the parent-child relationship. These changes are different for parents who have physical custody of the children and those who do not.

SINGLE PARENTS WITH PHYSICAL CUSTODY: Single parenting requires that one parent take on a larger percentage of the childrearing tasks. It is not unusual for that parent to experience an increase in stress as more responsibilities are shifted to them. Listed below are certain experiences and feelings typical of residential parents:
1. Finding that your children provide structure for your life but do not keep you from feeling lonely.
2. Becoming closer to your children.
3. Feeling that you are solely responsible for the children and what happens to them.
4. Expecting the children to take on more tasks in the household.
5. Feeling overwhelmed by decisions and tasks of being a single parent.
6. Feeling isolated from life apart from the children.

NON-RESIDENTIAL PARENTS: Nonresidential parents will likely have a different experience. They may be frustrated about the loss of time with their children and may feel they need some control over their relationship with them. As with residential parents, there are some feelings and experiences that are typical for nonresidential parents:
1. Feeling lonely as you adjust to having less time with the children.
2. Feeling out of touch with the events in your children's lives.
3. Experiencing distress after visiting the children.
4. Fearing you are losing your place in the lives of the children.
5. Feeling frustrated that your ex-spouse has control over the time that you have with your children.

THE COMMUNITY DIVORCE: Initial support from family and friends often tapers off as the divorce process continues. It may be common for you to feel that fewer people are available for assistance and support at a time when you most need it.
You may no longer feel comfortable around your married friends. The group of mutual friends you developed as a married couple might feel torn about the divorce. Because they may not be comfortable taking sides, they may not be an active support group for you.
Divorce may also alter a person's feelings about relationships. Fear of relationships and feelings of vulnerability are common among divorcing people. Dating may be particularly difficult if you have not dated in years. Fear and feelings of vulnerability may lead you to avoid social involvement.
If you are dealing with these sorts of feelings, there are things you can do to help rebuild your support network.
Consider joining support groups such as Parents Without Partners. These groups can help keep you involved and you will meet people to talk to who can relate to your situation.
Many divorcing people find themselves making new friends following divorce. In the long run, this may be less stressful than trying to maintain contacts with your "old" friends.
If you are not feeling good about yourself as a result of the divorce, it might be helpful for you to get counseling or join a support group to help with self-esteem problems.

THE PSYCHIC DIVORCE: The psychic divorce is the true separation from the ex-spouse. This is the process of learning to live without a partner to support you or to be supported by you. It may take time for you to regain independence and faith in your ability to deal with life experiences.
The psychic divorce also should include developing some insight into why you married and why you divorced. Paul Bohannan suggests that marriage should be an act of desperation — a last resort. Marriage should not be used to solve your problems or to offset your weaknesses. All too often, those are the reasons people marry.
It is especially important to think about these issues because people tend to remarry rather quickly, and they often marry again for the same poor reasons they married the first time.
People tend to divorce for many reasons but essentially they divorce because they were unable to establish a good marriage or were unwilling to settle for a bad marriage. Determining who is to blame for the divorce is not a healthy way to spend your time. Instead, spend your time adapting to divorce.

Answer these questions to see how well you are adapting.
1. Have you accepted that the marriage is over?
2. Have you made peace with your ex-spouse?
3. Are you realistic about how you contributed to the divorce?
4. Have you established a support network outside the marriage?
5. Have you developed future-oriented as opposed to past-oriented goals? In other words are you now planning your life as a single person?
6. Most people do successfully adapt to divorce. You will experience a great sense of achievement when you master the six stages of divorce presented in this guide.

ResourcesAhrons, C. (1994). The good divorce. New York: Harper Collins.
Marston, S. (1994). The divorced parent: Success strategies for raising your children after separation. New York, NY: Pocket Books.
Parents Without Partners (PWP), 401 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL 60611; (312) 644-6610.
ReferencesBohannan, P. (1970). Divorce and after: An analysis of the emotional and social problems of divorce. Garden City, NY: Anchor.
Coleman, M. & Ganong, L.H. (1995). "Family reconfiguring following divorce." In S. Duck, & J.T. Woods (Eds.), Confronting Relationship Challenges (pp.73-108). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Hopper, J. (1993). "The rhetoric of motives in divorce." Journal of Marriage and the Family, 55, 801-813.
Johnston, J.R. & Campbell, L.E.G. (1998). Impasses of divorce: The dynamics and resolution of family conflict. New York, NY: The Free Press.

www.redefiningdivorce.com
Zina B. Gleason, J.D.
714-256-4689

SUREFIRE WAYS TO HELP YOUR KIDS GET ALONG

2010-02-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

SUREFIRE WAYS TO HELP YOUR KIDS GET ALONG

By Richard A. Shulman, Ph.D.

Sibling rivalry is a subject that many parents aren't well equipped to handle. It's also a subject that evokes self-doubt, public embarrassment and extreme criticism.

Parents ask me, "Why do my kid's always fight?" "What am I doing wrong?" "Does this mean I'm a bad parent?" "If I let them fight, what will their relationship be like in the future?" "Am I setting them up for failure?" "If I allow the fighting to continue, will they begin to hate each other?" and, "How can I make my kids get along?"

The truth of the matter is sibling rivalry is normal and should be expected. It's a natural part of development and has wonderful and positive attributes associated with it, if it's handled in a controlled and respectful manner.

Sibling rivalry promotes many necessary and developmental milestones in a child's life. It enhances a child's ability to problem solve, resolve conflicts, assess and size up situations, compromise, work together as a team, and work through self-doubt and disappointment.
Unfortunately, by allowing this process to work itself out, it understandably adds additional stress to our lives. Furthermore, another question that needs to be addressed is, "Am I doing my kid a disservice by only having one child?" The answer is no. However, as a parent, you must be aware of the benefits from sibling rivalry and help your child enhance these skills in other positive and productive ways.

Most good literature discusses the benefits and problems with sibling rivalry. It also discusses the importance of handling it in a beneficial and respectful manner. They all state that if Sibling Rivalry is not handled properly, it may produce animosity, hatred, lower a child's self-esteem, stunt their development and their ability to problem solve and succeed in the future.

Some of the skills to enhance the benefits and avoid the pitfalls are as follows:
Develop an atmosphere of mutual respect. This entails setting up a policy of using manners, learning to compromise, avoiding labeling, name-calling, violence, etc.

Stay out but monitor the seriousness of the fight. No one issue is ever black and white and the roots are very long and tangled. You'll never get an unbiased answer and most of the time you will be put in the middle and have to choose sides. Instead, label each situation on a four-point scale of dangerousness. If it's a one-point (harmless fighting) avoid getting in the middle. A two-point (semi-serious) describe the problem and then leave the room. A three-point (rapidly escalating) assess the degree of potential danger and remind your kid's to be respectful. A four-point (dangerous situation) requires adult intervention, by separating each child and imposing consequences.

Don't reward tattletales. When one child comes to you with reports of their sibling's dastardly deeds, reflect their feelings and have them work it out.

Take a break from your kids. By taking care of yourself, it will not be as easy for your kids to push your buttons. It's a lot easier to stay focused and calmer when you are more refreshed.
Avoid playing the fairness game. Fairness is one of the things your kid's fight about the most. Treat children as individuals and address each of their qualities and characteristics uniquely.

Teach your kids problem-solving skills. Give your kids the guidelines and skills to solve problems for themselves. Ask each kid during a family meeting how he or she can get along better with their sibling. Discuss what things they might need from the other and ways to brainstorm possible solutions to these problems.

Use prevention as your best defense. Since most fighting is a way to draw your attention to them. Incorporate special time with each child. Set up schedules and make yourself available to each of your kids. Have your kids go on special outings with each parent and do different things with each child.

Give your kids' a break from each other. If at all possible, separate your kids. Let them have time alone while driving, at a friend's house, visiting relatives, etc. Remember, kids need their own time and if they get cooped up in the same space for a long time they get irritated. Think back to when you've been in that situation. Need I say more.

Remember to appreciate your kids at all times. Notice how often they get along without fighting. Pay attention to their good qualities and what is special about each child and remember that it's their job to work things out not yours. Your job is to be a role model, promote all feelings, open up clear lines of communication, develop mutual respect, and monitor your kids and your needs.

As parents you need to let go of your urge to worry and your expectation of being a perfect parent. You need to learn how to enjoy life and laugh a little more.

It's also important to learn how to roll with the punches and to ask yourself, "How big of a deal will this be in five years from now!"

www.redefiningdivorce.com

10 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR DIVORCE EASIER

2010-02-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

Richard A. Shulman, Ph.D.

Divorce is a very stressful event in your life and only you have the power to decide its impact on your future.

Change Your Point of View: The divorce does not have power over your thoughts, perceptions, and choices; you do. Instead of staying sad or angry, look at this phase as a new beginning.
Look At the Good Things About Your DecisionSince the divorce proceedings have already begun, regardless of who initiated it, remind yourself of the reasons that this is a good choice.
Open up lines of communication with your ex-spousePut your negative feelings aside, ESPECIALLY when children are involved. Regardless of how you feel about the other person, amicable divorces are less stressful and promote better results.

Take Care of Yourself: Divorce is very stressful and creates a lot of wear and tear on your body. Remember to exercise, eat right, and get plenty of sleep.
Don't Be Afraid to Ask For Help. Develop a social support system. Create an arena of people that you can turn to during your dark periods.

Don't Speak Negatively About Your Ex-Spouse to Your Children: If you have children together your ex-spouse will most likely be a part of important decisions, family events, and celebrations. This will also help prevent you from putting your children in the middle and making them your sounding board.

Maximize Your Time: Look for opportunities to make a life for yourself. Create new hobbies, new interests, and plan getaways. In addition, if you are busy you will spend less time thinking about the divorce.

Utilize the Help of Trained Professionals: Many services are available to you during this time of need including mediators, attorneys, therapists, and financial planners. By enlisting the help of trained professionals you will maximize your resources effectively.

Don't Get Discouraged: Divorce is a very stressful period in your life. With it come many ups and downs. Understand that the divorce process will only last a limited time and as with everything else, will eventually come to an end.

Be Assertive: Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Ensure that you get everything that you are entitled to including access to your children, spousal support, child support, property, and a say in all matters concerning your children. This ensures that when you look back on your decision, you can honestly say to yourself that you got your fair share and what you deserved.

To drug or not to drug...your child during a divorce...

2010-01-27T09:55:00.000-08:00

Your son or daughter isn’t doing to well at school. You get a call from the teacher complaining of behaviour. If it’s a boy, the complaint is about fidgetiness, lack of concentration, impulsive behaviour, poor judgment and some talking back. If it’s a girl, she is described as distracted. Her mind seems to wander. Work isn’t completed and she seems withdrawn. In both cases grades are slipping. The teacher advises that the child exhibits the classic symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder with Hyperactivity if a boy and Attention Deficit Disorder, Inattentive Type if a girl. Psychoeducational testing may be suggested as might a prescription for Ritalin or Concerta.

If the parent obtains the psycho-educational assessment, little will be asked about family life and if asked, usually only one parent is interviewed. Hence information pertaining to family life may be minimized, or alternately any issue raised will be ascribed to the behaviour of the other parent. The testing will continue and a diagnosis of ADD confirmed. With or without treatment, the child will appear resistant to change. In fact, symptoms may worsen. Prescriptions may be adjusted or changed. Behavioural interventions will be directed towards the child to gain compliance. The child may be withdrawn from the regular classroom. At best problems continue and at worst they intensify. Some children subject to high-conflict parental divorce feel trapped between their parents or alternately feel like they must take sides. Either way, the parental conflict has spilled into their lives and as the child shoulders a burden too great to carry, it affects their ability to manage the demands of school. In much the same was an adult with too much on their mind has trouble concentrating, so too of children.

However, with children, there is often the myth that they are unaffected by the parental dispute or even if affected, can carry on at school. Hence the impact of the parental separation and conflict on the child goes undetected, unquestioned or unchallenged. It is glossed over as a contributory issue to the problems of the child’s academic performance. In the context of a high-conflict separation or divorce, ADD may just as well be taken as Attention Divided by Divorce as Attention Deficit Disorder. In either case the child’s behaviour looks the same. However, rather than an underlying neurological condition altering attention, the root of the problem is the parental conflict. No wonder in situations such as these, pharmacological and behavioural interventions directed solely at the child produce few results.

To address the root of the problem, the parental conflict must be addressed. In situations such as these, it is imperative that both parents are apprised of the child’s behaviour at school so that both parents can be interviewed with a view to determining if issues emanating from family life are contributory to their child’s school related performance. Conflict that drags on causes ceaseless distress from which the child might never recover. Left unchecked, as the child remains in distress, school performance is undermined and the child runs the risk of losing pace with the other students. From there, there can be a cascade of secondary problems related to self-esteem, behaviour and school failure that can become entrenched and intractable.

Hopefully recognizing when parental conflict is underlying a child’s distress, both parents may be informed and hopefully better motivated to resolve the conflict. While parents may be apt to blame each other, it can be pointed out that regardless of who started the conflict, it is now the ongoing nature of the conflict that is bringing emotional and then academic harm to the child. Given most parents profess to be working in the best interest of their child, maybe they can be coaxed or coached to resolve or at least manage their conflict in a way that minimizes distress to the child. If successful, attention will then likely improve.

www.redefiningdivorce.com

Debunking Mediation Myths

2010-01-25T13:15:00.001-08:00

Debunking Mediation Myths

By Silvia Pandolfi

There are many myths and misconceptions floating around out there about mediation, which discourage some couples from choosing this cooperative method of working out the details of their divorce. We asked some experts to debunk some of the most common myths.

Mediation is a cooperative; problem-solving process that gives couples the opportunity to control the decisions that will affect their future. Mediation allows couples to deal with their separation or divorce outside of a courtroom setting, and usually is less costly -- both financially and emotionally -- than litigation. A mediator helps you identify the points on which you already agree, then works with you and your spouse to create practical, informed solutions to the others.

Unfortunately, some people have heard negative stories about mediation -- they often begin: "my cousin's best friend's sister was totally ripped off!" -- which cause them to shy away from the process. Here's what the experts had to say about some of the most common mediation myths.

"Women do worse in mediation than men."

Genell Greenberg, MSW, Esq., has a dual background in social work and law. She practices in Del Mar, California , where she specializes in family law and divorce mediation. "In my experience," she says, "Women are just as successful as men at mediation. The concern that women may be at a disadvantage arises from two myths: 'women don't know -- or they are unable to learn -- about financial issues,' and 'women will always give in to keep the peace.'"

Your mediator, who is an impartial professional, should create a safe environment that won't allow either of you to get "ripped off."

Sharon Beskin-Goodman, LCSW, a therapist/mediator in Red Bank, New Jersey , points out that mediation has never been gender-biased. "Traditionally in the system, women feel a financial imbalance and men feel a custody imbalance," she says. "In other words, women may have more parenting time with the children, but proportionally less money, where as the male has less parenting time but more of the family money."

If you mediate your divorce, both parties can be empowered. The mediator will listen to both sides, and then he/she will help you create a fair plan that's in your family's best interests.

"I'm intimidated by my spouse; I need a lawyer to protect me, not a mediator who will take my spouse's side."

Beskin-Goodman says that you're the best person to look out for yourself. After all, who better understands your needs?

"Mediation can be an empowering process," she says. "It can help the spouse who feels intimidated gain strength through education and knowledge. The process can also help the intimidated spouse begin to address issues and open up a line of communication which -- especially if there are children -- is very important and will always be necessary."

Douglas Schoenberg, a mediator and lawyer in Summit , New Jersey , agrees with Beskin-Goodman, adding that mediation can build your knowledge and self-esteem. "Mediation is good training for dealing with your ex-spouse after the divorce is over," he says. "In fact, mediation is good training for everyday life."

"Mediation is for couples who want to reconcile."

According to Schoenberg, mediation is not marriage counseling. It can help couples learn to communicate better, but it's not intended to get them back together again. "Mediation is for people who want to move on with their lives," he says.

Kenneth Neumann, a co-founder of the Center for Family and Divorce Mediation in New York , has worked in the field since 1982. Neumann points out that one of the parties in mediation may be secretly -- or not so secretly -- hoping for reconciliation. "But if the other party is clear about wanting the separation or divorce, then the mediator needs to help the couple reach a consensus," he says. Sometimes that means helping one spouse to realize that the marriage is really over -- and to start making choices that aren't based on being part of a couple.

"My spouse and I aren't speaking to each other. We can't possibly mediate our divorce."

Forrest Mosten is a certified family law specialist and mediator, a partner at Mosten & Barbakow in Los Angeles , CA , a member of the academy of Family Mediators , and the author of The Complete Guide to Mediation. He says that most people going through divorce have communication problems. The couple may act out in many ways: some shut down the communication process completely, while others act in outrage. "Mediators are trained professionals who work with couples to maximize their communication and help them resolve their issues," he says. "A mediator can help you move on with your life."

"If a divorce involves complex issues, you can't use a mediator."

There are many complex issues -- legal, financial, and emotional -- that must be resolved before a divorce can be finalized. According to Mosten, "More and more couples who have complex financial and legal issues are choosing mediation because they want to reduce lawyers' fees. If issues are complex, you may also need to work with an 'unbundled' lawyer as a coach." (Mosten explains "unbundling" as "the process of breaking down the roles a lawyer might play into smaller groups of tasks. The client is in charge of determining which services are to be performed by the client, which services are to be performed by the lawyer, and the extent or depth to which the lawyer will perform the services.")

Mosten adds: "Anything that can be decided by a judge can be worked on in mediation -- at a fraction of the cost and time, and with less wear-and-tear on the family."

Neumann agrees that complex issues can be dealt with in mediation, and in a more effective manner than litigation offers. "For example, when it comes to tax issues, couples will fight for different tax positions, never really looking at the overall best tax strategy," he says. Neumann adds that in mediation, most couples can often agree on strategies that allow both parties to come out ahead financially by keeping more money in the family's pockets rather than handing it to the government in unnecessary taxes.

"Mediation is for parties who have already divorced, and who don't have any problems or disagreements with one another."

Mediation is a voluntary settlement process giving you the opportunity to control the decisions that will affect your future. It's designed to help you resolve disputes -- before, during, and even after divorce.

"Mediation isn't appropriate for people who have 'real' problems."

Of course it's appropriate: if you didn't have "real" or difficult problems, you wouldn't need a mediator -- you'd be able to solve them yourselves.

"Women don't know -- or are unable to learn -- about financial issues, so mediation won't work for them."

Some people (men and women) are better with numbers than others; if you're "numerically impaired," let your mediator know that you need him/her to explain the implications of the suggested settlement so that you can understand it. Also, you could retain the services of an accountant or financial planner to help you.

"Women always give in to keep the peace -- that's why they need a lawyer to fight for their rights."

Again, some people are willing to sacrifice almost anything to avoid a fight. If this describes you, or if there was a significant power imbalance in your marriage, you need to let your mediator know so he/she can compensate for it.

"If both lawyers are settlement-minded, you don't need to spend more money on a mediator."

Mediation usually ends up saving people money: the issues you can solve together don't have to be negotiated by two lawyers or decided by a judge in court. Your mediator helps you create an agreement that's in your family's best interests, then each of your lawyers looks it over before either of you sign it. Your lawyer is there to look after your interests in the divorce; a mediator doesn't represent either party

The Mediation Process with REDEFINING DIVORCE

2010-01-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

The Financial Consequences of Divorce

2010-01-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

The Financial Consequences of Divorce, Andrew Carroll, CPA NCH Wealth Advisors.
www.nchwealth.com

Tax Consequences

There are several tax things to consider if you are recently divorced. There can be many moving parts that will affect your tax situation. Here are the six major issues that you need to consider:

Tax Brackets
o There are different brackets for Single versus Married filers
o Make sure you have done a tax projection using your new tax rates, you may owe less money than you think!

Filing Status
o Having dependents does not automatically qualify you for Head of Household status
o If you are receiving child support, it might disqualify you from using the HOH status

Dependents
o Just having primary custody does not automatically qualify you to claim your kids as dependents
o The IRS will look at total support, which will include child support

Gains and Losses on Assets
o If you divide assets between spouses, there are no tax consequences
o If you sell assets and split the proceeds, there could be tax consequences
o When dividing assets, the net amount realized (after taxes) should be what is split

Alimony versus Child Support
o Alimony (Spousal Support) is deductible by the payer and income to the payee
o Alimony has several requirements that must be met to qualify as deductible
o Child Support is NEVER deductible

Retirement Accounts
o If you split a 401(k) using a QDRO, you may not be able to access the money until your spouse retires from that company
o If you receive a qualified (IRA or ROTH IRA) account from your ex-spouse in lieu of cash, you will be subject to significant taxes if you need the money to pay living expenses

If you are contemplating divorce, please make sure that you take into consideration all these different effects. This is not by any means a comprehensive list, just the most common traps that we usually see.

Article written by Andrew Carroll, CPA
NCH Wealth Advisors, Fullerton CA
www.nchwealth.com

www.redefiningdivorce.com

MAKING CHANGES

2009-12-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

Heart & Mind: Beyond Divorce

MAKING CHANGES By Diana Shepherd

Divorce is all about change -- some negative, and some positive. How you look and feel physically can have a considerable impact on your emotional state; here's how to use a healthy diet, exercise, and maybe even cosmetic surgery to make a change for the better.

Except for the death of a spouse or child, divorce produces more stress than any other life event. This is a time of great upheaval, and sometimes it seems as if everything in your life is changing at once -- whether you like it or not.

Here's something you might not know: the Chinese characters for "crisis" and "opportunity" are the same. So why not use the crisis of divorce as an opportunity to start making some positive changes in your life?

The only thing that's required of you is a genuine willingness to change -- everything else will grow out of your commitment to health and happiness. Without that commitment, however, any steps you take towards better health will be severely limited in scope and efficacy. Purchase a health-club membership or a piece of exercise equipment, and you'll stop using it after a month because you "just can't find the time"; or start purchasing wholesome, fresh ingredients to prepare nutritious meals and you'll be back to fast food or dinner-in-a-box in a matter of days; try to quit smoking or drinking and you'll fall off the wagon as soon as the going gets tough. Find out what motivates you, then use it to inspire you.

Motivation
The secret to long-term success seems to boil down to two main elements: motivation and support. Fear can sometimes be very motivating -- for instance, your uncle dies of lung cancer and you quit smoking -- but it often isn't enough to effect permanent change. According to Dr. Andrew Weil, the author of Eight Weeks to Optimum Health and Spontaneous Healing, you first have to identify the pay-offs as well as the costs of a specific behavior in order to change it.

For instance, let's say you love rich, high-fat foods. You know that your father -- who ate the same way you do now -- died of a heart attack at 50, and that you have high blood pressure and bad knees from the 40 extra pounds of fat you're carrying. Obviously, you should change your eating habits. But you can't quite resist a double helping of fettuccine alfredo followed by a chocolate eclair. "I've had a rough day," you think. "I deserve this delicious food -- and it makes me feel so good!" The satisfaction of eating the foods you love outweighs the fear of dying of a heart attack like your father. And as long as the rewards are greater than the costs, you won't be able to change your eating habits.

"Even though I recognize the efficacy of fear in facilitating behavioral change, I feel that seeking positive reinforcement (a reward you can enjoy) is better than pursuing negative reinforcement (avoidance of something you do not want to experience), because research shows that positive reinforcement is better at maintaining new behavior," writes Dr. Weil in Eight Weeks to Optimum Health (Knopf, 1997). "If fear is your motivator, when fear subsides, so does motivation. Fear can also paralyze you, preventing you from moving at all," he continues.
So find a "rewarding" reason -- one that really inspires you -- to make positive lifestyle changes, and you're just about assured of success. And if you can enroll people in supporting you to meet your goals -- whether they be friends, family, or a support group designed for your specific needs -- you're home-free.

Get Support
Sarah, a busy accountant and single mother of two teenagers, never seemed to be able to make it to the gym. Either she was working late at the office, or rushing home to prepare a meal for her kids. For her, the breakthrough came when she gave up trying to be Superwoman and admitted that she needed help to attain her goals. "The solution was so simple, I'm embarrassed I never thought of it before," she says. "I asked my best friend to sign up for aerobics classes with me, and not to let me weasel out of coming to a single one -- no matter how good my excuse was. And I asked my kids to take turns preparing dinner on the three nights a week that I would be coming home late after working out."

And she found a reward that was "juicy" enough for her kids, too: that she would take a month off the next summer to take them camping in the Rockies with their favorite cousins. Obviously, she needed to be very fit for the trip, and her kids had lots of motivation for helping her get and stay fit. "It was hard at first -- I was scrambling to get out of the office in time to make every class," Sarah remembers. "But after a couple of months, working out had become part of my normal routine -- like going to work or brushing my teeth."

Managing Stress
Stress can be a constant companion during separation and divorce. Unfortunately, stressful thoughts and feelings can actually damage your physical health. So how do you relax and de-stress? If you're like most people, what leaps immediately to mind are "treat" behaviors: smoking, drinking, taking drugs (prescription or "recreational"), eating a carton of chocolate ice-cream -- whatever gives you feelings of pleasure and well-being, no matter how transitory. Unfortunately, these behaviors temporarily ameliorate some of the symptoms without addressing the root of the problem -- and none of them contribute to health and vitality.

Here are some better solutions. Consider practicing Yoga and/or meditation on a regular basis (daily is best). Yoga can help you release built-up tension and stress, strengthening the body while calming the mind. Once you've learned the poses, all you need to practice yoga is a quiet, comfortable place and about 20-40 minutes each day to breathe and stretch your stress away.

Before trying yoga or meditation on your own, you should meet with a qualified instructor to learn how to do it properly -- which poses you should practice, and which you should avoid. Your instructor will guide you through the correct positions, and teach you the basics of proper breathing, meditation, and other relaxation techniques. "People who practice yoga and meditation report they have more self-confidence, sleep better, eat better, and that their stress and anxiety levels are greatly reduced," says yoga instructor Helen Goldstein. "And 20 minutes of meditation has the positive effects of two-to-three hours of sleep."

Massage is another great stress-buster. Experts believe it offers many benefits, such as: reducing stress and blood pressure; increasing relaxation and feelings of well-being.reducing muscle tension, swelling, and inflammation; relieving "tension" headaches and chronic pain; soothing the nervous system; improving blood circulation; aiding digestion; and increasing joint mobility.

Food for Thought
At its most basic level, food is fuel for the body. Whether you're in training for the Boston Marathon, someone who goes for daily brisk walks, a skinny couch potato, or a chubby couch potato, the food you eat has a lot to do with your mood, energy levels, stamina, and ability to fend off disease. Your diet has a lot to do with the way you live your life -- and how long that life is going to last. Even if you look slender on the outside, your diet could be setting you up for a whole host of medical problems: from indigestion to clogged arteries to cancer. Your food choices can put you on the road to wellness and vitality, or chronic fatigue and disease.

The first thing you need to do for yourself is get a little education about nutrition in general, and your nutritional needs in particular. Visit your family doctor; ask for a referral to a nutritionist; go to a health spa; read Andrew Weil's Eight Weeks to Optimum Health, Covert Bailey's Fit or Fat? (Houghton Mifflin), and James Meschino and Barry Simon's The Winning Weigh (Elite Publications). Discuss possible nutritional plans with your doctor to make sure they won't exacerbate existing health problems. Exercise some common-sense when choosing a new diet regimen: steer clear of anything that promises miraculous results in days, or advises you to eat from only a single food group (e.g., grapefruit three times a day).

And then -- and this is key -- listen to what your body is telling you about the food you're putting in your mouth. For instance, if you get violent heartburn every time you eat green peppers, stop eating green peppers! The best way to "cure" indigestion isn't by taking pills or potions: it's to stop (or at least reduce) your consumption of foods that cause your stomach to protest. Aside from stomach upsets, start paying attention to how you feel after eating certain foods. Happy and energetic, or grumpy and tired? How do you feel after eating a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a milkshake? An apple? A piece of cheesecake? A spinach salad?
During her stormy divorce, Teri found herself "living on various stomach medications. My digestion had never been the greatest," she says, "but it became much worse during my divorce. I had heartburn every day, and alternated between constipation and diarrhea." She went to her doctor, who told her she had an "irritable bowel," prescribed stronger medication to help control her symptoms, and basically told her to "get used to it."

Feeling that she had nothing to lose, Teri checked into a strict vegetarian health spa with personal trainers, chiropractors, massage therapists, as well as a physician on staff. "About the third day of the program, I suddenly realized that I was experiencing no stomach pain, no heartburn, and no diarrhea. For me, the answer was simple: my body can't handle meat. I have been a vegetarian for three years now, and I'm happy to report that my stomach problems haven't returned, and I have more energy now than I did 20 years ago."

Does this mean you should rush out and become a vegetarian? Maybe, and maybe not -- it all depends on what your body tells you. "The first point to realize is that we are all different and our bodies need varying regimes," notes Jane Alexander in Detox for Body, Mind, and Spirit (Key Porter Books, 1998). "What suits my body might be anathema to yours... Finding the right diet for you will be a case of trial and error," she adds.

Here are some suggestions on using food to improve your mood:
Cut back on caffeine, including coffee, tea, cola, and chocolate. Women take note: caffeine has been found to play a huge role in PMS, from breast pain to mood swings. For some people, one cup a day is too much; you'll need to experiment to determine your threshold.

Drink pure water. Ideally, you should be drinking about two liters of filtered water every day. This is one of the simplest, and yet most vital, steps you can take to improve your health.
Go low-fat. Aside from improving your general health, some studies suggest that a low-fat diet may help stabilize your mood. Some easy ways to reduce your fat intake include avoiding fried foods, choosing leaner cuts of meat, and removing the skin from poultry before cooking it. Buy only skim or 1% milk, and low-fat or nonfat cheeses and yogurt. Increase your consumption of fresh fruits, vegetables, and products made from whole grains (your body will thank you for the extra fiber, too).

Take your vitamins. A deficiency in B vitamins -- particularly thiamin, riboflavin, folate (the naturally occurring form of folic acid), and B6 -- can exacerbate depression. Taking vitamin C is probably a good idea, too. It boosts your immune system, which probably isn't in tip-top shape right now.

Butt out. Aside from increasing your risk of lung cancer and heart disease, smoking triggers the release of stress hormones in the body. In Stress Management for Dummies (IDG Books, 1999), author Alan Elkin suggests that you "avoid highly sugared treats. They'll give you a boost in the short run but let you down in the long run." He also suggests that you choose snacks that have "high energy proteins and are high in complex carbohydrates. They'll give you a longer-lasting pick-me-up." Elkin offers loads of great stress-busting tips and advice in this highly-readable book -- everything from overcoming anger to goal setting, meditation to organizational skills.

Exercise your Options
Adopting a nutritional program that suits your individual metabolism and caloric requirements can clear up a lot of physical ailments. But if you really want to look and feel great -- and help minimize the negative effects of divorce-related stress on your body -- you need to do more than just eat right. You need to exercise.

What's the best form of exercise? The one you'll do. The best exercise equipment in the world won't do you a bit of good if you can't bring yourself to use it more than once a month.
If you've been sedentary for the last few years, you must see your physician before you start to exercise. If you haven't had a full physical examination in the last year, now's a great time to have one. Please be aware that pushing your body too hard too fast is a recipe for disaster -- at the very least, you'll probably sprain or tear a muscle; at worst, you'll have a heart attack.

Unless your doctor vetoes the idea, a good place to start is by taking daily walks, slowly increasing the speed, distance, and duration. If you can't stand the idea of walking "aimlessly," give yourself errands to accomplish on your walks: instead of driving, walk to the bank/post office/milk store. Arrange to go for walks in scenic areas with friends so you can enjoy their company as well as the surroundings while you walk.

If your lifestyle can accommodate it, consider getting a dog: you're guaranteed daily exercise, and it's nice to come home to a happy, enthusiastic welcome instead of an empty house. (Also, you've probably heard of the therapeutic side-effects of pet ownership: that stroking an animal lowers your blood pressure and decreases tension.) If owning a dog is out of the question, you could always "borrow" one: your neighbor would probably be thrilled if you offered to take her dog for a daily walk in the park.

To derive the maximum aerobic benefits from walking, you should be working hard enough to be breathing harder than normal, but not so hard that you couldn't carry on a conversation consisting of short phrases. For example, if you were walking/jogging with a friend who asked you whether you'd seen any good movies lately, and you were only able to force out "Yes!" while gasping for air, then you need to slow down. If you can rattle off a thousand-word review of the film without coming up for air, you need to pick up the pace.

Walking can also help you sleep better at night -- good news for those suffering from divorce-related insomnia. In one study, researchers discovered that people who walked at least six blocks a day at a normal pace experienced fewer sleep-related problems such as nightmares, or trouble getting to or staying asleep; in fact, they were one-third less likely to have trouble sleeping until their wake-up time than people who didn't walk at all. And those who walked the same distance at an aerobic pace were 50% less likely to suffer sleep problems than non-walkers.

Sometimes, we develop pockets of fat that are extremely resistant to diet and exercise. Here's an example: you exercise diligently five days a week for six months and are near your ideal weight; you've lost three inches off your thighs, two off your arms, but nothing from your waist or hips. Sound familiar? If this is your situation, you might be a candidate for cosmetic surgery.

Body Image and Cosmetic Surgery
Do you like the way you look (face and body)? If so, congratulations -- you have a positive body-image! If, however, there's some physical aspect that's stopping you from getting out there and meeting new people -- for friendship, support, or romance -- then by all means explore your options for "fixing" your problem area. This may or may not include cosmetic surgery. Despite the fact that 7.4 million people had cosmetic surgery in 2000, it is not the answer for everyone. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, some people are just not appropriate candidates. Sometimes, a surgeon will decline to operate on an individual because the his/her desire for an appearance change is being driven by an emotional problem that no amount of surgery can fix.

Cosmetic surgery is not for you if:
You're in the throes of a severe crisis (your spouse just left you or died, or you lost your job yesterday).
You have unrealistic expectations about what the surgery will do for you (you think you'll acquire a celebrity's lifestyle if your nose looked like his/hers; you want to look half your age, or half your size).
You have a hidden agenda (you hope to win your spouse back or get a promotion by having the surgery).
"We don't encourage people to have surgery in order to save their marriage, or to get into a new relationship," confirms Dr. Atul Kesawarni (M.D., F.R.C.S.C.), who heads the division of plastic surgery at Toronto East General Hospital.

Before considering plastic surgery, ask yourself these questions:
Why do I want surgery?
What do I expect it will do for me?
You may be a good candidate for surgery if your goals are realistic, you have a generally positive body-image, but there's some physical characteristic you'd like to improve or change. Under these conditions, even a small physical change can give a large boost to your self-confidence, says Dr. Kesawarni.

According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, the most popular surgical procedures are:
Rhinoplasty (nose reshaping)
Liposuction (permanently removing exercise-resistant fat deposits)
Blepharoplasty (correcting drooping upper eyelids or puffy bags below eyes)
Breast Augmentation
Facelift

The most popular non-surgical procedures are:
Chemical Peel (resurfacing of the skin)
Microdermabrasion (smooths lines scars, and wrinkles)
Spider-vein removal (correcting drooping upper eyelids or puffy bags below eyes)
Botox injection (smooths facial wrinkles by blocking nerve impulses)
Laser hair removal (permanent)

Plastic surgery procedures can be stressful -- both on the body and mind. Schedule your surgery at a time when you're not suffering from exceptional stress, or physical or emotional burdens. Patients who go into surgery feeling preoccupied or pressured with other matters may face longer and more difficult recovery periods than those who are relatively relaxed.

Looking Good!
If you invest the time, energy, and commitment into caring for your body properly, it will repay you generously. "If you can follow a program of healthy living for two months, you will have made the commitment of time and energy necessary for it to work," says Dr. Weil.

10 WAYS TO AVOID BECOMING A DISNEYLAND DAD

2009-12-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

10 WAYS TO AVOID BECOMING A DISNEYLAND DAD
By Richard A. Shulman, Ph.D.

Being a divorced father has a great deal of internalized stress associated with it. There's a strong desire to make your children like you and want to spend time with you, especially if you only get to see them a few days a month.

Studies show that what kids remember growing up is not the extravagant birthday parties or the expensive vacations. It's the ongoing consistent events that create memories and bonding experiences.

Therefore, here are 10 ways to avoid becoming a Disneyland Dad.

Be involved in your children's life. Remember to celebrate birthdays, significant events, and celebrations. Also make it a point to attend their ball games, recitals, and school functions, even if it's not your "day", because it will make your child's day.

Promote good communication between you and your children. Employ an open door policy and allow your children to come to you whenever they need.

Be consistent. Make it a point to keep to every promise. Whether it's as simple as I'll call you tomorrow at 5 or following through with rewarding them for their accomplishments.

Don't be afraid to implement natural consequences for misbehavior. When your child misbehaves, enforce natural consequences. Studies show that children respect and love parents who hold them accountable for their actions. Also, understand that children need a parent more then they need a friend.

Spend quality time with your children. Make it a point to clear off part of your busy schedule to spend one-on-one time with your children. Remember your children are coming to see you, not your toys.

Send small tokens of your love and affection.Send little notes or cards to your children. Remind them that you are thinking about them and love them. This will also let them know that you are always there for them.

Never pass on your time with your children. Sometimes in today's society we get sidetracked by our busy lifestyles and are unable to see our children on their visitation days. Spending time with your children is the easiest way to tell them that they are more important than anything else.
Ask your children what they want to do with you on their visit. Incorporate your children's needs. Make this a mutual and respectful time together.

Don't burden your children.Burdening your children with thoughts and discussions of hatred towards your ex-spouse or about the financial conflicts associated with the divorce will only spoil the time that you have together. Understand that your time with your children is precious and should be untainted with hatred and anger.

Parent out of love not guilt.Being a loving parent requires consistency and holding your children accountable for their action and behaviors. Avoid decreasing consequences or adding rewards because you are feeling guilty.

By implementing these 10 simple skills, you will notice that your time with your children will be of better quality and will improve your relationship with them more than opening your wallet.

Heart & Mind: Beyond Divorce

2009-12-07T08:43:00.000-08:00

Heart & Mind: Beyond Divorce

10 THINGS YOUR MOTHER NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT DIVORCE By Vicki Lansky

The Voice of ExperienceFor anyone who hasn't been divorced, trust me— divorce is never what you imagine it to be. Here are a few insights that may hopefully save you a trip to court— or at the very least, give you some idea of what may lie ahead.

I know the 10 things listed here might not apply to everybody (there's always going to be the exception to the rule) but it covers most of us.

1. It Takes Longer To Get Your Divorce Behind Than You Think: Or Can Allow Yourself To Believe.I thought I had it together after a year. Then I thought I had it together after 3 years. Then I was impressed when I could say I had been divorced 5 years. Then I was devastated that I could be brought to tears in seconds after 8 years when something inappropriate— I thought— was said to me. I guess it's always "there" but fortunately with each passing year it feels longer ago, less important and more comfortable but unlike your child's owies, it's never quite all gone. As that old saying goes, marriage may not be forever, but divorce is.

2. Going Through Divorce Is A Physical Experience: This one took me by surprise. My body seemed to experience a death defying whirlpool. I hate speed, roller coasters and the feeling of one's stomach dropping when on a turbulent airplane ride. But I can remember having all those feelings— simultaneously— while just sitting in a chair after we separated. Yuck! Fortunately this usually passes in 3 to 9 months. Shorter than than #1 but not short enough!

3. It Never Works Out According To Plan — Yours, That Is! And even when it does, it's only for a short time. Life after divorce is always changing and you won't have a lot of control over those changes. We often get hopelessly caught up in parenting plans when we first separate, and— while that is important— it doesn't usually prepare you for the on-going changes and negotiations that go on for years— changes that you don't always like but learn to live with.
There is the on going trade-off of which battles will catch your children in the middle and when one must learn to lose a battle to win the war— or should I say the peace— the peace of mind your children need. Life takes twists and turns that will never be in the "plan" so you must learn to go with the flow or be hopelessly mired in your own anger or disappointments.

4. Parental Time (aka custody) And Shared Financial Responsibility (aka child support): Are NOT Tied Together though they might be tied together in the eyes of your mother or your mother-in-law, these are two separate issues. When you confuse them or make them cause-and-effect items, you do a squeeze on your kids. It seems like such a natural ("if he doesn't pay support on time, well then the kids just won't be ready on time or at all" or "I'll be damned if I'm going to send a check this month if she and her honey are going on a ski trip: a) with the kids (that's not what I'm sending support for and I'll not see them this weekend like I was supposed to) or b) without the kids (she's away and I have all these extra food bills this week with the kids here) but this is not a life situation where each month comes to an EVEN tally. EVEN it never is. Equitable is the best you can hope for. Marriage isn't EVEN so divorce sure ain't gonna be.

5. You Never Outgrow Your Wish To Be The Favored Parent: Remember when your kids asked you who you loved best, you knew what a silly (but honest) question it was because everyone likes being first in the hearts of those they love. Unfortunately in a divorce, when parents aren't together to hear news in a shared situation, your child will tell one before the other.
It doesn't mean you're the less favored, secondary or unfavorite parent but it sure does feels like it. So you have to learn to forgive yourself when those competitive feelings crop up from the dark depths of your soul and learn to laugh at them. Remember you're not alone.

6. Divorce Doesn't "Fix" Your Ex: If your former spouse was cheap, never on time and thoughtless before the divorce, he or she will continue to be tight, late and say stupid things in the divorce. The things that you tolerated in marriage under the perfume of love will infuriate you in divorce. You thought you were done with putting up with "_____" (fill in the blank) but it continues just like it was in your marriage. You have to learn to accept, overlook and forgive or else you are going to expend a lot of wasted emotions on someone you're not even married to. You can only be angry or hate someone you care about. (Ain't that a bummer!)
Also, your lawyer can't make your ex-spouse be a sensitive person or parent so don't waste unnecessary dollars trying to have your lawyer get "through" to him or her. When you can begin to replace the word "wrong" (as pertains to parenting skills, money values, personal habits, etc, etc, etc) with the word "different" you'll have come a long way towards acceptance.

7. Divorce, Unlike Marriage, Is FOREVER When There Are Kids: Unless you really wish to lose your position as a parent (which is THE hardest on kids), you will have family occasions, graduations, shared holidays, christenings, weddings and funerals that will continually bring you together over the years. Those knots in your stomach at shared public events— especially in the beginning— are known only to others who have been through divorce. No one else has a clue.
Approaching your ex first with a friendly word at such events puts everyone else at ease and is a worthwhile practice. And with practice— and some history— you may find those stomach knots actually loosening. Mortal enemies have been known to actually become friends— sometimes good friends— and many find they can be kind of comfortable "cousins."

8. If You Don't Hate Your Exiting Spouse When You First Separate, You Will Within 3 Months to 3 Years: It's next to impossible to skip this one though it always seems to come as a surprise. Why, I'm not sure. Now you both have different agendas and no way will your priorities (usually money concerns or kid issues) be the same as your ex's. It's okay — and sometimes even important — to be angry with your ex (for a certain amount of time— not forever) but it's not okay to share or show that anger with your children or in front of your children. Not easy, but for their mental health, their need for a safe haven and their need to love both parents, you've got to keep these volatile feelings to yourself...or limit them to your therapist or support group.

9. The Day Your Ex Remarries Is REALLY PAINFUL. The only thing worst than hearing your ex is remarrying from a third party is actually hearing the news from your ex. Obviously a no-win situation. No matter how glad you are that your ex is your ex, you'd never take him/her back and you're thankful you're divorced, it's still a painful time. It's that last nail in the coffin of what was once your marriage— and your hopes and your dreams. If you know anyone whose ex is getting remarried, don't let them spend that day alone. And if you know your ex is getting remarried, don't spend it by yourself— unless you really enjoy digging a dark hole and crawling into it. (Obviously the kids will be attending the wedding and unsure of how to be of comfort to or deal with the other parent.)

10. After All This, Know That There Is Still Such a Thing As A GOOD DIVORCEYes, you read that line correctly. Now this is not to be confused with divorce is good, but there are ways of turning this lemon into lemonade. Read up on how to do it. There are lots of books to help you— even I've written one. Making peace with life's changes is good for you, for your kids and for your life. Divorce is not the path to be recommended easily, but it's not a terminal illness or a contagious disease either. I did not come up with the term "good divorce." I'll credit that to Constance Ahrons, author of the book, The Good Divorce. " A good divorce," she says, "is not an oxymoron. Astonishingly, in my studies, I found half the divorcing couples we interviewed had civilized— and many amicable— relations with each other. Another surprise was that almost everybody wished to be on better terms with his or her ex— even the ones who had bad relationships.

I'm tired of the doomsday reports and the label of the `broken home.' We have been so inundated with negative stories of divorce that men and women need to hear the message that they can make their families work better, minimize stress and not feel like total failures.
In a good divorce, a family with children remains a family— one that is sufficiently cooperative to permit kinship bonds to continue. Perhaps if we begin to revise our expectations of what divorce means, all parents who divorce can do so with civility and respect."

TOP 10 WAYS TO KEEP YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF DIVORCE

2009-11-30T07:27:00.000-08:00

TOP 10 WAYS TO KEEP YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF DIVORCE
1. Do not criticize your former spouse in front of the child.

2. Do not argue with your former spouse in your children’s presence. Be careful not to argue during exchanges of the child.

3. Don't discuss adult issues such as finances or the details of divorce case in your child’s presence.

4. You should never use your children to deliver messages, money, or anything else to your former spouse.

5. Don't use your children to spy on the other parent, or to tell you the details of what the other parent is doing, such as whom they are dating.

6. Don’t withhold visitation to punish your former spouse.

7. Do not tell the children that they can choose where they want to live.

8. Assure the children that you and your former spouse still love them and that the separation between you and your spouse is not their fault.

9. Assure your child that they will continue to see both parents on a regular basis, and will be well taken care of by both parents.

10. Be on time and punctual regarding all visitation and exchanges.

www.redefiningdivorce.com

Very Interesting Study on Separation and Divorce

2009-11-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

Men leave: Separation and divorce far more common when the wife is the patient.

SEATTLE – A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.

The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient.

"Female gender was the strongest predictor of separation or divorce in each of the patient groups we studied," said Marc Chamberlain, M.D., a co-corresponding author and director of the neuro-oncology program at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA). Chamberlain is also a professor of neurology and neurosurgery at the University of Washington School of Medicine.
The study, "Gender Disparity in the Rate of Partner Abandonment in Patients with Serious Medical Illness," was published in the Nov. 15 issue of the journal Cancer. The other corresponding author is Michael Glanz, M.D., of the Huntsman Cancer Institute at the University of Utah School of Medicine.

Why men leave a sick spouse can be partly explained by their lack of ability, compared to women, to make more rapid commitments to being caregivers to a sick partner and women's better ability to assume the burdens of maintaining a home and family, the study authors said.
Researchers at three medical centers -- the SCCA, Huntsman and Stanford University School of Medicine -- enrolled a total of 515 patients in 2001 and 2002 and followed them until February 2006. The men and women were in three diagnostic groups: those with a malignant primary brain tumor (214 patients), those with a solid tumor with no central nervous system involvement (193 patients) and those with multiple sclerosis (108 patients). Almost half of the patients were women.

Chamberlain said the study was initiated because doctors noticed that in their neuro-oncology practices, divorce occurred almost exclusively when the wife was the patient. The researchers enrolled groups of patients with other cancers and with multiple sclerosis to separate the impact of oncologic versus neurological disease. The results showed a stronger gender disparity for divorce when the wife was the patient in the general oncology and multiple sclerosis groups (93 percent and 96 percent respectively, compared to 78 percent for the primary brain tumor group).

The study also found correlations between age and length of marriage and the likelihood of divorce or separation. The older the woman was the more likely her partnership would end. However, longer marriages remained more stable.

Researchers also measured some health and quality of life outcomes among the patients who separated or divorced. They found that patients used more antidepressants, participated less in clinical trials, had more frequent hospitalizations, were less likely to complete radiation therapy and more likely not to die at home, according to the study.